Swamp Elective

President Bush, breaking his rule not to talk about presidential politics, says that Hillary Clinton will be defeated in the general election by the Republican nominee. He also believes that the Republican nominee will name him as a foreign policy advisor and that they will ride a golden unicorn to the inauguration.

The last remaining copy of the original Magna Carta will go on sale this week. The auction house handing the sale hopes the document will fetch at least as much as the Bush Administration’s on-going sale of the U.S. Constitution.

The White House accidentally released a draft of a President Bush’s speech for the UN that contained phonetic spellings of leaders names and places. The draft also requested that in Laura’s absence someone cut the presidents meat into little pieces for him.

A new study suggests the proliferation of iPods helps account for the nationwide rise in violent crime in 2005 and 2006.

In Indiana, a lab technician was fired after she allegedly bit a patient while drawing his blood. The hospital apologized and said that; they will no longer hire the undead in the hematology lab. (They’re still really good in the morgue.)

Nike on Tuesday unveiled Air Native, the first shoe designed specifically for American Indians. The shoes get comfortable right away then give you alcohol and steal all your land.

Two Democratic senators are seeking White House files in exchange for confirming Michael B. Mukasey as attorney general. If history is any indication they will not get any files but they will instead have their lunch money stolen again tomorrow.

The GOP Youtube debate has been rescheduled for November 28th so far the submissions give Republicans nothing to fear outside of the very real chance that Mike Gravel may get upset and shoot at the “evil magic talking picture box”. 

The former CBS anchor Walter Cronkite is about to sign with, Retirement Living TV, a start-up channel aimed at people over the age of 55. His broadcasts will start on Monday and be watched by 5 times as many people as Katie Couric.

Worried that failure to participate in debates designed to address minority issues was injuring the Republican Party with blacks the GOP made the only logical step, recruiting Alan Keyes to run for President.

Last week, Reverend Jesse Jackson accused Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama of, quote, "acting like he’s white". In his defense Obama said that Jesse thinks that of any black man who does talk in rhyme.

A new poll shows that only 11% of the American public approve of the job Congress is doing. The poll also notes that an astounding 23% would rather get their genitals caught in a bear trap than reelect their current representative.

US scientists have shown a man’s testicles might be a source of stem cells to help him fight serious diseases. The research now enters a difficult phase, which involves collecting enough samples before the test subjects go blind. 

The U.S. military has introduced "religious enlightenment" and other education programs for Iraqi detainees, some of whom are as young as 11. The Catholic priest who initiated the program calls it; “Hand-jobs for Jesus” 

Myanmar’s military junta came under growing international pressure due to protests led by Buddhist monks. Most Americans interest, however, only extends to their ability to continue getting a dozen socks for two dollars.

With Rudy Giuliani and Hillary Clinton leading the presidential pack, anticipation is growing that they could face off for the White House in 2008. After a recent ad by Giuliani attacking Clinton the former first lady replied, “At least all of the people I’ve ever married and my daughter will be voting for me.”

An MIT student wearing what turned out to be a fake bomb was arrested at gunpoint Friday at Logan International Airport and later claimed it was artwork. The police were initially thrown off by the fact that the bomb didn’t look like a cartoon character giving the finger.

Just moments after President Bush announced that “Mendela is dead” he clarified that he was not speaking of Nelson Mendela himself, but of the thousands of political prisoners held by Saddam Hussien who had been liberated and subsequently killed by US forces.

This week the U.S. dollar sank to an all time low. And as usual sought solace by burying it’s face in a strippers g-string.

A new analysis suggests there’s been a huge increase in the number of U.S. children diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but experts question whether the surge is real and say some the kids are just plain crazy.

North Korea said on Monday the United States had agreed to remove it from its list of countries that support terrorism. Korean officials are relieved, as the commute to the Middle East for “Axis of Evil” board meetings was exhausting.

Afghanistan’s Taliban plan to abduct and kill more troops who serve under NATO and the U.S. military in the country, a spokesman for the Islamic movement warned on Monday. A military spokesman said, “Really? More! Shit, we just don’t have any strategy to deal with that we’re just going to have to leave.”

Researchers who examined the hearts of former Tour de France bikers found that their hearts are 20 to 40 percent larger than normal. In a related story Sheryl Crow has released a new single, "Your hearts fuckin’ huge and you still don’t love me."

A 100 year-old man in Florida has become famous for having 100 grandchildren to celebrate the milestone birthday the man received $10 Olive Garden coupon from the Pope.

An 18-year old University of Arizona co-ed is dead after a fight with her roommate that police believe started over accusations of theft. Authorities have not confirmed whether the co-eds were wearing lingerie at the time of the crime but you can’t fault a guy for dreaming.

Osama Bin Laden plans to emerge from the shadows to taunt the United Stages again in a video message marking the sixth anniversary of the September 11 attacks. CIA officials say the trailer has all the good parts in it so they probably won’t see the whole thing.

After several conflicting reports a spokesman for Larry Craig says the Senator is likely to surrender his Senate seat by the end of the month. The lawmaker was reluctant to step down at first, as surrendering his seat is how he got into all this trouble in the first place.

Once is a new independent movie from Fox Serchlight it takes place in Dublin and has awesome music. Here’s a live performance of one of the soon to be classic songs from the film.