Swamp Elective

In an interview with Newsweek magazine, Paris Hilton says that she "wants to leave her mark on the world". This obviously means that in the coming months she will be releasing a children’s book, new fragrance or video game of her life.

Civil rights activist Al Sharpton says Congress should expand hate crime laws to deal more forcefully with noose-hanging incidents like the one in the Jena Six case. A House representative responded “We expect little movement on the proposal due to the fact that more Americans are worried that such a measure would mean Sharpton and Jesse Jackson would have to get real jobs.”

Verizon Communications, told congressional investigators that it has provided customers’ telephone records to federal authorities in emergency cases without court orders hundreds of times since 2005. According to transcripts the emergency most commonly sighted was; “because Dick Chenney said so”.

The makers of Coors and Miller Lite have announced their plan to merge in order to better compete against industry leader Anheuser-Busch. The companies will use cooperative marketing and distribution methods but have ruled out making descent beer as a strategy.

On Tuesday a 6-year-old boy was hungry and decided he’d go to Applebees. So he grabbed the car keys, took his booster seat from the back seat of his grandmother’s car and placed it in the driver’s seat, then made a go of driving himself to the restaurant. Proving definitively that the chili-cheese curly fries are truly addictive.

Singer Bobby Brown suffered a heart attack in Los Angeles this week that doctors have attributed to diet and exercise. While his diet of fast food and crack cocaine has been unchanged for years, he no longer has access to his favorite exercise; bitch slapping Whitney Houston. 

A new study found that the widely used chemotherapy drug Taxol does not work for the most common form of breast cancer. Research also revealed that 90% of male doctors still find the standard breast self-exam really hot.

A rise in low birth-weight babies born in the New York area following 9/11 is blamed on the stress of the attacks. In retaliation the U.S. plans to bomb Iraqi baby food factories.

Recently retired Lt. General Ricardo Sanchez, who commanded Army forces in Iraq, called the war “A nightmare with no end” and a “catastrophic failure” due to the White House’s policies. No word at this time on why he hates the troops.

Key members of Congress vowed Friday to "aggressively preserve" the independence of the CIA’s internal investigator and to put an end to the agency’s probe of its own inspector general. Outsiders fear that the government bureaucracy will disappear up its own asshole some time before Thanksgiving break.

I had my hemerhoids removed on Monday and celebrated with my friends so it looked a little like this.

My anus is bleeding…

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Iraqi officials are pushing to have several Blackwater employees, involved in a shooting incident, tried in Iraqi courts. The State Department worries that the military contractors might get “railroaded like we did to Saddam Hussien.”

A judge ordered that Britney Spears relinquish custody of her two children to their father Kevin Federline. K-Fed just edged out the judges second choice; being raised by a pack of wolves.

Police have arrested a woman who allegedly snorted cocaine off her infant’s stomach while breastfeeding him. In her defense the woman said she was distraught after losing custody of her children, to Kevin Federline.

In South Africa 2700 men were rescued from a mile below ground after a gold mine accident. Inching South Africa just ahead of Utah and Satan’s fecal caverns in mine safety.

The number of young children on prescription drugs for heartburn has jumped about 56% in recent years. Experts blame the increase on obesity rates, over-prescribing, and Flinstone’s chewable jalapeño antidepressants.

This week marked the 50th anniversary of Russia’s launch of the sputnik satellite and the beginning of the space age. Many observers were nostalgic for the competitiveness of the Cold War and an era when we only worried about fascism from external sources.