Swamp Elective

President Bush assured the leaders of Canada and Mexico on Tuesday that the United States wants to forge closer ties. As if we were all “real” Americans and occupied the same land mass.

Barnes & Noble said O.J. Simpson’s "If I Did It," Will not be sold at retail outlets and would only be available by special order or for purchase online through Barnes & Noble.com. They also noted that the first 10,000 books come with a genuine replica bloody glove.

US Ambassador Ryan Crocker has said Iraq has made "extremely disappointing" progress, just three weeks before he is due to present report on Iraq to the U.S. Congress. Giving him just 21 short days to explain how he was misquoted and that everything going great.

Former Saddam Hussein aide and ex-defense minister known as "Chemical Ali" was put on trial Tuesday for the regime’s brutal crushing of a 1991 rebellion by Shiite Muslims. The defense noted that the defendant prefers to be called: “infidel killin’ poisonous gas Ali”

Some of the world’s biggest record labels including Universal and SonyBMG have begun selling music through a new download service, challenging Apple. They are off to a slow start as they are calling it “that small download site that’s not iTunes”.

ABC News reports that the growth of video sharing sites like Youtube have spawned an explosion of teenage daredevils willing to do outrageous and dangerous things to be the next “Jackass”-type star. Investigators found out however that most teenage boys are naturally Jackasses now they just videotape more of stupid shit they do.

A new study shows women who force themselves to stay quiet during marital arguments appear to have a higher risk of death. While women who force themselves to stay quiet during marital sex have a higher rate of suicide.

Senator Hillary Clinton addressed the VFW in Kansas City telling them that “the Surge is working [and]…we can’t be fighting the last War.” She then went on to clarify John Kerry’s pro-war anti-War agenda.

Scientists using computer models calculated that a Tyrannosaurus Rex would be able to outrun soccer superstar David Beckham. Perhaps more surprisingly the scientists discovered that a T-Rex would totally bone Posh Spice.

An Oklahoma City man has been charged with aggravated assault after grabbing and tearing another man’s scrotum because he was wearing a University of Texas shirt. ENTER TEXAS FAN "Proving beyond a shadow of doubt that Sooners fans are totally gay! Buncha nut grabbin’ homos. Hook ‘em Horns!"

Hillary Rodham Clinton promised Thursday that as president she would improve health care quality by raising standards for providers, educating patients and requiring insurers to reward innovation. Since the 50 million people without health care are probably too sick to vote.

George W. Bush on Wednesday warned that a hasty withdrawal from Iraq would trigger a bloodbath like the one in Southeast Asia after the US defeat and retreat from Vietnam. Democrats argued that the comparison was unfair but did admit that like President Bush’s Vietnam experience we should have never gone in the first place.

The Democratic National Convention is threatening to disallow delegates from Florida because the state has moved it’s primary up too early. After heated exchanges it was proposed that it might be most efficient to select a candidate in the traditional method by asking the Supreme Court who they want.

Karl Rove, President Bush’s longtime political adviser, has announced his plans to resign at the end of the month. He claims he wishes to spend some quality time with his family before the "peasants gather with the torches and pitchforks."

In the aftermath of Karl Rove’s resignation people have begun to discuss his legacy and by far his greatest achievement: making George Bush President after loosing the election.

On Tuesday Pakistan celebrated 60 years of independence and honored the hundred of thousands of people who were killed in the riots that separated the nation from India. Officials were happy to report only 250 fatalities in this year’s festivities.

The Hawaiian Islands are bracing for Hurricane Flossie that is expected to bring high winds and heavy rains. In Washington FEMA is preparing by making videos explaining that they had no way of knowing this might happen.

In leaving the White House Karl Rove has said he wants to “Make some money” no one is quite sure whether that means he’ll be working for a lobbying firm or oil company.

The leaders of China, Russia and four Central Asian states met Thursday in Kyrgyzstan to build on growing military and political ties and to counter Western influence in the strategic region. And also to build a device that will take 6 hours to torture and kill James Bond.

Thousands of Elvis Presley fans braved 105-degree heat as they wound down Graceland’s driveway in a graveside procession Wednesday in advance of the 30th anniversary of the singer’s death. Only a handful of lucky fans were allowed to pay $10,000 for 20 Percocets and a chance to sit on the Kings throne. 

An NBA official has pleaded guilty of betting on basketball games in which he was a referee. The league has apologized publicly to fans and said they should have known better than to hire Pete Rose. 

And Finally legendary Jazz drummer Max Roach died this week at the age of 83. So people will start appreciating his genius any second now.

In Kentucky, a man tried to rob a liquor store while disguising himself by wrapping duct tape on his face and hands. Police have the man in custody, but are now referring to him as "the partly balded bleedy scalp one eyebrow bandit."

New data released on Friday indicates that there is less sea ice in the Arctic than there has ever been before in the history of such records. Conservatives were quick to point out, “This is natural weather fluctuation, the earth has always gone through these cycles it was just this warm 12,500 years ago…when Jesus was hiding all those fossils.”

The LA Times reported this week that the “Petraus Report on Progress in Iraq” would not in fact be written by General Petraus but would instead be penned by the White House. A White House spokesman said, “General Petraus will have extensive input on the report but his writing style is a little too …broad. He uses too many big words like, Exit and Strategy”

North Korean officials have indicated that flooding may have left 300,000 residents homeless. The numbers are hard to pin down because at any given time there are 300,000 starving, homeless Koreans wandering around these ones just seem to be "more damp".

An unnamed source says that Britney Spears once got so mad at her kids that she screamed at them, “You’re both mistakes!” and has also called her children a burden and a pain in the ass. ENTER Jeff Foxworthy: "You might be a redneck if, anyone has ever told you Kevin Federline is a more suitable parent!" *(note if Phillip plays this there will be 3-4 more you might be… or until there’s a big enough laugh which ever comes first.)

A South African man shot three weeks ago was told to "walk the pain off". Sadly, the man got to Mozambique before he collapsed.

In this month’s issue of Germany’s Bild Magazine, illusionists Siegfried & Roy reveal for the first time that they are gay. Siegfied also revealed that he still has a little trouble trusting tigers.

The 2008 BMW 5 Series was the worst performer in this year’s side-impact crash tests of luxury sedans. Despite this the 5 series still rates in the top 3 in the "pussy magnet" test.