Swamp Elective

University of Zurich researchers have created a spray that can relieve people of shyness, and help them socialize with others. The spray is a concentrated combination of Cocaine and Viagra.

Scientists studying chimpanzees walking on treadmills have determined that humans began walking on two legs to save energy. The scientists have also learned that chimpanzees walking on treadmills speed up when you play the music faster.

An analysis of thousands of skulls shows modern humans originated from a single point in Africa and finally lays to rest the idea of multiple origins. Experts now predict it will take 5 years for rednecks to understand the data and for their brains explode.

Former South African president Nelson Mandela plans to announce on Wednesday the creation of "the Elders," a group composed mostly of retired global leaders that will seek to tackle urgent world problems unfettered by the politics of any one nation. They will promptly be dismissed as old farts by the rich fucks that run the planet.

Or: On Thursday Rupert Murdoch will announce that he wants to buy them.

Gary Player put steroids at the forefront of the British Open on Wednesday, saying golf he knows of, at least, one player using performance-enhancing drugs. John Daley stated categorically that he did not use steroids, as it would interfere with the effectiveness of his Jack Daniels and Coors Light.

A federal appeals court charged with reviewing the enemy combatant status of detainees at the U.S. detention facility in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, ruled yesterday that the government must provide the court and defense lawyers with classified evidence gathered against the detainees. The government says it will due so as soon as it fabricates some.

The 2 1/2 -minute video of Fred D. Thompson that played at the National Right to Life Committee’s annual meeting last month dazzled the group, as the former senator talked about "the most important thing of all in this world — and that is life. He also mentioned that babies are cute and he’d never kill one.

North Dakota is fighting to become the first state to legalize the growing of hemp. The federal government has fought against it saying it is likely to attract far too many Dead heads.

A growing estrangement between Sumner N. Redstone, the media billionaire, and his daughter Shari has called into question who will inherit control of the CBS and Viacom empires. Many investors are nervous due to the fact that Redstone looks as if he dies three months ago.

The Democratic debate tomorrow night will be the first in which the questions have been submitted on You Tube. Most Americans feel the quality of political discourse will be improved by answering questions from skateboarding dogs.

Emmy nominations were announced this week and as expected The Sopranos lead the pack with X nominations meaning there will be 827 jokes, one dance sequence and a musical montage dedicated to the ending of the last episode.

China executed the former head of its food and drug administration on Tuesday for approving untested medicine in exchange for cash. They then ground up his flesh and served him in egg rolls. 

A progress report on Iraq will conclude that the U.S.-backed government in Baghdad has not met any of its targets for political, economic and other reforms. But on the up side they have stopped killing each other over parking spaces.

A Polish priest faces expulsion from the Catholic Church following an anti-Semitic outburst. As penance the priest has to get Mel Gibson to fuck an alter-boy.

Pope Benedict XVI has released a document that says Christian denominations outside the Roman Catholic Church are not true churches. When contacted for comment, Jesus Christ, the Pope’s lord and savior, said, "Who died and left this douche in charge."

Just months after his longtime girlfriend gave birth to twin girls, Sean "Diddy" Combs announced Tuesday that the pair have split up. The rapper reportedly got upset when she refused to answer the question, "Who’s your Diddy?" assuming it was a rhetorical question.

The NAACP held a public funeral Monday afternoon for the N-word during its annual convention. Association officials read a eulogy while a grave was dug by several beaners from the Home Depot.

Several Democrats and one Republican addressed the NAACP on Thursday, with Senator Barack Obama was clearly the crowd favorite until he repeatedly referred to the audience using the N-word.

Due to its success online, ABC announced it will make new episodes of “National Bingo Night”, despite lackluster ratings. Also due to its success online, ABC is producing a new drama series about a Nigerian Prince with banking problems.

Former “Saved by the Bell” star Mario Lopez was an usher last Saturday at his friend Eva Longoria’s wedding to Tony Parker. Meanwhile, Screech was an usher last Saturday at the Arclight.

Enter Dustin Diamond
"Tonight’s movie is Transformer by Michael Bay not starring me. Come find me and give me a job or I’ll make more porn. Or if the picture or sound quality is not up to the high Arclight standards."

On Friday, Republican Senators John Warner and Richard Lugar cast aside President Bush’s pleas for patience on Iraq and proposed tough legislation demanding a new U.S. troop reduction strategy by mid-October. Warner and Lugar admitted they stole the legislation demands from anti-War Democrats, but left out the part about holding their breath until they turned blue.

England’s new Prime Minister Gordon Brown has said the US and UK will no longer be “joined at the hip.” Which means the troops currently in Iraq will be referred to as the “coalition of the who the fuck do we think we’re kidding?”

A U.S. jury on Friday found Conrad Black guilty of criminal fraud and obstruction of justice in a grim Friday the 13th verdict that could send the former media baron to jail for up to 35 years. Experts think Black probably won’t serve any jail because he’s tremendously wealthy and Black’s just his last name. 

Japan’s defense minister resigned on Tuesday over remarks that appeared to accept the 1945 atomic bomb attacks on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Apparently in some countries there are consequences for government officials who say really stupid shit in public.

President Bush commuted the sentence of former White House staffer “Scooter” Libby but according to protocol established by this administration we will have to wait a full 6 months before giving him the medal of honor.

A new study in the Archives of General Psychiatry finds that Alzheimer’s disease may be linked to the inability to identify smells like bananas, lemons and cinnamon. But still fails to explain why grandpa loaded the toaster with peanut butter and put it in his sock drawer.

After the Libby commutation Harry Reid had sharp words of rebuke for the President suggesting that Democrats are fed up and will only take it a little bit longer before they issue strongly worded position paper.

Michael Jackson has been hunting for real estate on Maryland’s Eastern Shore as he searches for a vacation home. Jackson was attracted to the state by their fairly liberal llama laws.

In the back and forth between President Bush and Vladimir Putin over the missile defense shield and where it might be located seems to be the over 20 years of research and testing that proves THE FUCKING THING DOESN’T WORK!!!

The Blackstone Group announced that it would buy Hilton Hotels for $26 billion. Contracts specifically ask that the corporation be indemnified against any negative publicity involving “the slutty heiress of the same name”.

Police charged a Massachusetts teen this week with bestiality and cruelty to animals after surveillance cameras caught him having sexual relations with a sheep at Boggastow Farm. The arresting officer became suspicious after "accidentally" watching 8 hours of Sheepfuckerz.com.

Or: Police charged a Massachusetts teen this week with bestiality and cruelty to animals after surveillance cameras caught him having sexual relations with a sheep at Boggastow Farm. I his defense the young man said that he and the sheep have a lot in common; They are both vegetarians, who like Coldplay, and hate the cops.

According to health experts, alternative therapies such as reflexology and herbal supplements may reduce a woman’s chance of getting pregnant. So it turns out the hairy armpits are still just a random gross-out.

"Jackass" star Johnny Knoxville has filed for divorce. But not before he stapled the divorce papers to his nut-sack.

The FBI said Friday that two suspects in the failed car bombings in Britain had made inquiries about working in the United States but the doctors were unwilling to drive cabs so they went to England.

Fans are turning a critical eye on several of the performers at this weeks “Live Earth” concerts claiming they aren’t “green” enough. Topping the list Madonna’s car that runs on third world babies.