Swamp Elective

Duke University has reached an undisclosed financial settlement with three former lacrosse players falsely accused of rape. The players are glad the ordeal is finally over and plan to throw a big party with strippers.

Indian officials are considering banning Crezendo condoms which contain a battery operated vibrating ring, and thus act as a sex toy, which is considered to be illegal in India. They also note they are dangerous as they tend to loosen prostitutes fillings.

President Bush has talked with British Prime Minister Tony Blair about taking a role as a Middle East peace envoy after he leaves office next week. The president chose Blair due to his assertive diplomatic style and the fact that everybody else he knows already works for him, is under investigation or both.

Senators have so far been disappointed with the answers being given at confirmation hearings for John A. Rizzo to become general council for the CIA. Several have suggested that for the next round they try water-boarding.

The Bush administration is nearing a decision to close the Guantanamo Bay detainee facility and move the terror suspects there to military prisons elsewhere. Topping the list of possible future sites: Tampa Bay, Green Bay, and the NASA space station.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates said Thursday he does not anticipate extending U.S. troop deployments in Iraq beyond 15 months, saying: "that idea would be a worst-case scenario. And when have we ever experienced a worse case scenario in Iraq? (looks off stage) really? Oh. I’m new.”

Police confirmed that a girl’s feet have been cut off while riding the Superman Tower of Power at Six Flags’ Kentucky Kingdom. Her companion identified as Jimmy Olsen was unharmed. 

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said Tuesday the Senate will face another round of votes on the Iraq war before the July Fourth recess, to allow the Democrats at least one more opportunity cave in to the President before the Summer arrives and it gets too humid.

A new study shows that women who got along well with their dads as kids are attracted to men who resemble their fathers. Though it should be noted that the study was paid for by "Old Spice".

Bars along San Antonio’s Riverwalk have reported a steep loss of business due to the arrival of the Southern Baptist Convention, which has drawn 10,000 attendees this week. Locals assume this is due to the fact that the "Young Studs with Meth Warehouse" is on the other side of town.

Recent studies have shown that suicides have supplanted executions as the leading cause of death on California’s death row. Still a close second; spontaneous hemorrhaging.

The Planned Parenthood Federation of America announced that last year they were responsible for 264,943 abortions last year, a new record. A record that is bound to stand until Kevin Federline gets a new car.

Police were called after the discovery of three piles of excrement on the third floor of the Capitol this week. Authorities are still baffled by the absence of flaming paper bags.

Drug manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline issued the following warning with their new over the counter diet drug "alli": "It’s probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work." Because "You will lose weight by crapping yourself" didn’t test well.

Effective last Friday, it is no longer legal to fight roosters in New Mexico. Said one man, "So now nobody can put those cocky bastards in their place with out getting their asses thrown in jail, nice!"

An MIT neuroscientist claimed in this month’s issue of the journal "Science", that he’s pinpointed the origin of deja vu. And it’s Carlos Mancia.

Lindsay Lohan checked into rehab and Paris Hilton began serving her prison term last week. Many Hollywood nightclubs will have their bouncers wear their gold chains at half-mast until further notice.

The Democratic debate in New Hampshire on Sunday was punctuated by several heated exchanges between the top contenders over Iraq, health care, and global warming. Leaving Sen. Chris Dodd to argue that he neither smelt it nor dealt it.

The 2012 London Olympic committee unveiled their new logo on Tuesday and promptly had to remove a video display over fears that it triggered epileptic seizures. The BBC also reported that the artwork caused fits of laughter, restless sleep and anal leakage.

Jack Kevorkian, who became notorious as "Dr. Death" for helping more than a hundred people kill themselves, said on Tuesday he would dedicate himself to a longshot effort to become A.)a place kicker for the Dallas Cowboys. B.)A song and dance man. C.)Head of pediatrics Shriner’s burn hospital.

After repeatedly being snubbed by the Democratic Party Fox News chief Roger Ailes said, “Candidates that can’t face Fox can’t face Al Queda”. While most agree with the comparison they note that Al Queda isn’t as well funded and has fewer ideologues.

Paris Hilton was released from jail after serving just 3 days of a 40-day sentence because of a medical condition. This marks the fist time LA county sheriffs have categorized “dumb as a bag of hammers” as a medical condition.

Surgeon General nominee Dr. James Holsinger has come under fire from gay activists for calling homosexuality unhealthy and unnatural. But the nominee defended his comment sighting 15 years of personal research at Johnny Wad’s Fisting Clinic and Juice Bar.

With Los Angeles facing its driest year ever, city residents are being urged to conserve water as much as possible. Exceptions will be made for the Playboy mansion charity car wash.

By June 29, the government is expected to take bald eagles off the Endangered Species Act’s "threatened" list. Experts predict that it will be only five years before the birds are placed on the "tastes just like chicken" list.

A proposed immigration bill that would strengthen the border and give millions of illegal immigrants a pathway to citizenship may be on its way to passing in the Senate and advancing into the House. Unfortunately the bill has been delayed as lawmakers have struggled to raise their children, clean their pools and mow their own lawns.

US Defense Secretary Robert Gates has recommend Adm Michael Mullen as the new chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, to replace Gen. Peter Pace. According to insiders Pace is being replaced because of an unnamed military operation in the greater Middle East area that is, “ever-so slightly less than spectacular perfection.”

And finally, Edwin Traisman, a food scientist who created the process for freezing McDonald’s french fries and helped develop Cheez Whiz, has died at age 91. His family attributes his full and long life to the fact that he never ate on the job.