Swamp Elective

A Florida doctor was convicted Monday of providing material support to terrorists by agreeing to treat injured al-Qaida fighters so they could return to Iraq to battle Americans. Officials became suspicious when he failed to ask for proof of insurance or cash payment.

In London on Tuesday the Cutty Sark burned to the ground. Meanwhile back in Washington D.C. Senate debate was suspended until Ted Kennedy could be reassured that it was the sailing vessel and not the distillery.

Former lead singer for Creed Scott Stapp was charged with domestic battery, on Monday, for hitting his wife. In his defense Stapp claims that although he struck his wife it was with his hand wide open.

NBC News is dropping "Dateline NBC" anchor Stone Phillips in a cost-cutting move when his contract expires at the end of June. The newsman in warning that without him child pornographers will run wild on the Main streets of America.

A millionaire couple on Long Island has been charged slavery for keeping two Indonesian women in their home for years. They said they intended to pay them as soon as they stopped breaking things and learned the language.

At the conclusion of Monica Goodling’s testimony to congress concerning her knowledge of firings at the Department of Justice all observers concluded that no president will ever again hire anyone named Monica.

Britney Spears was embarrassed last weekend when her backing track skipped repeatedly during a performance, indicating she was lip-syncing. Spears was embarrassed even more later that night, when she was seen in public wearing panties.

President Bush said on Wednesday that Osama bin Laden has a terrorist cell in Iraq to strike targets in America. They also have a cell in Syria to hit Canada and one in Lebanon bent on the destruction of Honduras.

Argentine researchers reported on Tuesday that the male impotence drug Viagra might be useful for treating jet lag. In response drug maker Pfizer has changed there label to read, "if erection lasts for more than three hours get the fuck out of the bathroom and let someone take a crap already!"

On Capitol Hill this Tuesday Senate Democrats working on the Iraq War funding bill pulled together and rallied to defeat the Iraq timetable that they pulled together and rallied around to draft last month.

The Democrats removal of a timetable from an Iraq spending bill struck some as the sound of one hand clapping while still others said it sounded like one tiny testicle being sucked back up into the body politic.

New research suggests that having an average of one alcohol beverage per day may help older people delay the onset of dementia. Which is bad news for CBS’s Sunday night programming?

Or: Which all but ended the chances for "Murder She Wrote; The Movie"

Jim Cole whose face was severely mauled by a grizzly in Yellowstone National Park is a photographer and author of books about grizzlies who also had been attacked in 1993. Said Cole: “I just got careless and forgot some of the basics you just don’t mess with their Pik-a-nik baskets.”

Taliban military leader Mullah Dadullah was confirmed killed on Monday in Afghanistan. Officials’ say he might have been killed by is own troops after his rap album failed to crack the top 20.

Reverend Jerry Falwell died this week at the age of 73. Evangelicals are pointing a finger at the Jews while preliminary medical results suggest abortion and the homosexual agenda.

Sylvester Stallone has pled guilty to two charges of importing banned substances into Australia, saying he takes the drugs for a medical condition. The condition has been diagnosed as tinypeniscompensationism.

Men who regularly balance their laptop computers on their laps when working may be jeopardizing their ability to have children. They also noticed these same men can type extremely fast with their left hand yet get carpel tunnel syndrome in their right wrists.

Lt. Gen. Douglas E. Lute was selected as “war czar” to oversee the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan. Now that there is someone in charge President Bush is hoping to find out who screwed everything up so badly and fire him.

Legendary guitarist and songwriter Bo Diddley suffered a stroke this week. While George Thoroghgood just held his breath until he gave himself a headache.

President Bush says that he has learned his lesson in regards to nominations for the World Bank so to replace disgraced Paul Wolfowitz Bush is nominating Alberto Gonzales.

After receiving no movement from the administration on the removal of Alberto Gonzales, the Congress has proposed a no-confidence vote. And if that doesn’t work they’re going to prank call his office until he leaves. 

A far reaching bi-partisan immigration bill was passed by the Senate on Thursday said one Senator, “This is an historic piece of legislation that will guarantee that no regular Americans will have to do any actual hard work for years to come.”

The House Judiciary Committee passed a highly amended version of their original Lobbying bill. In the final version lawmakers cannot accept candy, office supplies, or foot rubs. But cash wrapped in tinfoil and placed in the freezer is still a.o.k.

NASA says it has found proof of the existence of dark matter, believed to make up more than a quarter of the universe. Of course that includes the universe outside of the Republican Party. (pic. from debate)

Counting Crows announced they would tour this summer with Live and Collective Soul. Thus setting a new world record for nostalgia.

Ashley Judd has received a bachelor’s degree from the University of Kentucky. Her degree reads "Bachelor of Arts with a not being the fat unhappy one major"

Deep-sea explorers have hauled up hundreds of thousands of colonial-era silver and gold coins worth an estimated $500 million from a shipwreck in the Atlantic Ocean. They say there is no truth to the rumor that they only did it to meet Kiera Knightly.

ABC is banking on the popularity of Bingo by introducing “National Bingo Night” if it is successful they have already lined up, “Knitting with the Stars”, “Who wants to play Shuffleboard?” and “Extreme Have I Showed You Pictures of my Grandkids Make-over?”

Women looking for a simple way to avoid their menstrual period could soon have access the first birth control pill designed to let women suppress monthly bleeding indefinitely.  Although the pill was developed 10 years ago it has been withheld by the FDA because it increases the symptoms of PMS 6 times which has been found to cause bleeding in men.

Tom Sizemore has been arrested for possessing methamphetamines and glass pipes. “While it seems apparent that his drug use has continued he did not have a prosthetic penis full of clean urine on him and we think that’s progress.”

Police in Portugal have begun an all-out search for a 3 year-old girl who has been missing since the third of the month. When asked why we are just hearing about this CNN senior analyst said: “While she is a little white girl she’s not a little American white girl so we went with Anna Nicole’s mother’s senior prom date.” 

Investigations continue on a Kenya Airways jetliner that crashed over the weekend just after takeoff. Many Americans were shocked to learn that Kenya had airplanes.

After the televised Republican debate last week many American’s were surprised to find out that all 10 declared candidates are old white men.

Among the interesting revelations at the republican debate last week was the fact that 3 of the candidates do not believe in evolution, 5 don’t believe in gravity, and 2 believe that unicorns roam free in Baghdad.

Vice President Dick Cheney flew to Baghdad to convince the Iraqi parliament not to take a two months vacation. But Prime Minister Nouri Al Maliki countered that he had much brush to clear on his ranch.

    For those of you not lodged in the Los Angeles area there is a new “ Oh my god you have got to try it” phenomenon called Pinkberry. If you have yet to hear about it feel free to take the “Oh my God Krispie Crème” breathless pronouncements from three or four years back and scratch out the word doughnut and insert frozen yogurt. Though it runs so against my "suburban wanna-be punk rock so I have a black tee shirt for every day of the week"- ideals,  it’s kind of good. The store is all brightly lit Japanese modern like a habitable cell phone or a “giant robot” for snacks and the yogurt is tasty like zesty frozen lemon yogurt with interesting stuff for topping like fruity pebbles and coco pebbles. Very “Lost in Translation” stand offish alienation in really clean urban environment vibe.  Going to a Los Feliz hot spot after dark when there is a line and your alone can do that to a man.
    And on the Los Feliz tip very sad to say I learned about the massive fire raging half a mile from my house on the Internet. Yep, I was sitting right here tapping this very keyboard writing jokes for this weeks show (episode 225) of “Big News” and the Yahoo RSS feed had the story. I’m sure that says something about me but I’m not sure what but I think it’s bad. Tuesday night the flames were right on the top of the hill near my house and it was sad but really beautiful the clouds of smoke lit by the fire looked like the big finale of the last Star Wars. Then they got most of it out and everything smelled like my brothers returning from Boy Scout camp a nicer if overwhelming campfire smell.