Swamp Elective

 A new survey this week revealed that just 69% of Americans correctly named Dick Cheney as Vice President. This goes a long way to explaining the 31% who still believe he’s doing a good job.

After a tragic shooting on the campus of Virginia Tech this week those in the campus community became the first people ever to pray for more Don Imus and Anna Nicole news.

Two Secret Service members were injured when a “mishandled weapon was discharged inside the White House gate” leaving one officer with shrapnel in his face. Said the officer, “Remind me not to ever again ask Vice President Cheney how his hunting trip went.”  

NASA is ready to test its “portable robot surgeon” now that it has perfected a refrigerated hand-like appendage that can asks you to turn your head and cough.  

President Bush traveled to Arizona on Monday to make a speech on his proposed guest worker program. Among the jobs the President said might be available to migrants: Attorney General.

NASA has pushed back the launch of space shuttle Atlantis until at least early June due to the fact that they are still waiting for parts to repair the eight-track tape player.

Larry Birkhead, was identified on Tuesday as the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s 7-month-old daughter On Wednesday Birkhead bought the little girl a $400,000 Lamborghini stroller.

Nine states have come together for the first time to develop a common high school math test. In an effort to simplify grading procedures the answers will all be 6.25.

Ronald Leon Rakow former manager for the Grateful Dead has been sentenced to five years in federal prison for tax evasion. Amongst the disallowed items on returns: $645,000 in guitar picks, $17,800 for a hemp-oil powered fax machine, $47,600 in assorted psychedelic “stuff”

Karl Rove is at the center of a controversy regarding 5 million lost e-mails. White House officials have asked for time to recover the documents while Senate Democrats are asking for a David Copperfield and Geraldo Rivera to do a live television special from the Nixon Library.

Former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell is writing a series of children’s books for release next year prompting many people to confuse her with “Baby Spice.” While still others think she’s the one married to the soccer guy when actually she’s the chubby one.

Paul Wolfowitz President of the World Bank has come under fire for authorizing his girlfriend’s huge salary. Said Wolfowitz, “Seriously? This is what pisses you people off I fucked up Iraq 3 ways from Sunday I gave nearly a trillion dollars to Halliburton and now I throw a little money my girlfriends way and it’s a problem? Bite Me!”

Likely successor to Tony Blair, Gordon Brown and President Bush met for the first time during the chancellor’s trip to the US. Talks were described as casual and informative with neither man using an interpreter.

Karl Rove has claimed that he believed that all his e-mails were being kept by the RNC. He also believed that the little smiling paperclip means that no one will ever find the e-mails about raising the terror alert levels for political gain.

90 year-old Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia while speaking up for pets mention three times that he owns a Shih Tzu, nine times that his late wife named him Trouble and once that they dance naked together and eat out of the same bowl.

It looks like this.

    Still no luck embedding the video right here in the blog but if you can stand the inconvienence of clicking on a hotlink to get to the you tube that the kids are all talking about that link would be here.

And this would be the new poster

The endangered California condor has laid an egg in Mexico. A spokesman for the Zoological Society of San Diego said, the condor has asked “no one tell her parents that “It was just a “spring break thing” and that she promises to be back in classes by next week.”

A student at the Art Institute of Chicago is coming under fire for a paper mache sculpture of Jesus that resembles Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama. People are most upset that the sculpture is not chocolate.

In a 5-4 decision on Monday the Supreme Court declared that carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gasses are “air pollutants.” Next up on the Court’s docket “Are granola bars a some-times food?”

Just before leaving Washington for Crawford Texas President Bush criticized the Congress this week for going on vacation when there was work to do. In his speech Bush passed Herbert Hoover and Chester A. Arthur as the chief executive least familiar with irony.

A French bullet train has set a new speed record at 357 MPH. The new train is so fast that the French are able to insult works of art that won’t even be released until later this afternoon.

So fast that they will be able to surrender in two different time zones nearly simultaneously.

So fast that they are already bored with it.

An appeals court ruled that an insurer who refused to pay for a teenage boy's breast reduction surgery on the ground that it was cosmetic must reimburse his father for the operation. They did not, however, have to pay for the boy’s vaginal rejuvenation.

The North Carolina Senate apologized Thursday for the Legislature's role in promoting slavery. As a result they plan to remove the "Buy a Slave" billboard off the roof of the State House.

Or: The North Carolina Senate apologized Thursday for the Legislature's role in promoting slavery. No word yet on how many Wal-Mart's will be closing, as a result.

Commentators Bill O’Reilly and Geraldo Rivera got in shouting match on FOX news Friday. Americans say they were disappointed by the display 30% because it was disrespectful and the other 70% because there were no heavy weapons involved.

    The new video is up here . I'm going to have this deal fixed so that I can embed the video right in the page like the the kids do but Ken's really busy doing the annual report webiste for a pharmacutical company or something and so it must wait but you'll see it will be neat. 

    I found this amazing pepper sauce while traveling in Mexico and if this doesn't blow your mind nothing will: IT'S MADE BY ENGLISH PEOPLE! And it is unavailable in the US of A. Poland, yes Canda- U.S, no. It's called Lea and Perrins (yes, the Worcetershire Sauce folks ) Hot Pepper Sauce. I wrote them a letter telling them how much I liked it and they sent me two bottles and told me that this was the only time that they would be able to send me any and they were sorry that the US distributer chose not to carry this item. So if you see a bottle that looks like this in your travels pick it up and I will buy it off you.