Swamp Elective

And doing some viral videos for the lovely and talented Anna David like this and this .

*Update she had to take these down because they were too provocative and several of the celebrities that appear in them are filing suit due to the outragous secrets they revealed during the party scene and the one where the (I've been told by lawyers not to mention thier names) super-models make out is in the middle of a bidding war and divorce proceeding. But some version of them will be posted in the future.  

I haven't been blogging much because I've been working on this and this .

And a little promo for the show like this.

Bounty hunter Duane “Dog” Chapman was given an award this week in Hawaii for fighting crime. Chapman declared that he was “President for felons and ex-cons.” He also declared himself king of the hobos and supreme leader of Saturn.

More than $300 million in previously unpaid insurance claims were awarded to 48,000 Holocaust survivors for harm they suffered during World War II. Said Vera Menchwitz, “Imagine having the foresight to buy genocide insurance and then the company takes 60 years to pay off, we live in Washington D.C. now and we’ve got a little Armageddon insurance it’s always good to think ahead.”

The US Senate voted to strip Attorney General Alberto Gonzales of the power to appoint federal attorneys. A second vote to strip Gonzales and “scald his ass with a hot poker” was tabled until the next session.

DNA tests conducted on Anna Nicole Smith’s infant daughter have revealed that none of the previous claimants is the father. Meaning that the paternity of the child will be determined by American Idol viewers.

“The Simple Life” starring Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie is set to begin filming its new season in which the girls will become camp councilors. The camp, not surprisingly, is Camp Nonguahilla named after Chief Nonguahilla who introduced white man to oral sex.

After seventy-five years, the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce has cancelled its annual Christmas Parade due to complaints from local merchants leading those opposed to the parade; Rasta Rick's, Bongs while U wait and Trampy Slut, vinyl clothes for whores.

NBC Universal and News Corp. have announced a plan to introduce a web site to rival You tube. Interested viewers can’t wait to see My name is Earl star Jason Liegh “accidentally” hit Bill O’Rielly in the nuts with a wiffle ball bat.

Several of Harry Houdini’s next of kin would like to exhume the late magicians body to discover if he may have been poisoned. They also feel knowing more about his death may shed some light on just why David Blaine is such a douche-nozzle.

The likely source of an E. coli outbreak in spinach that killed three people and sickened more than 200 was a small cattle ranch about 30 miles from California's central coastline. Still unknown is why some people like to shit on spinach. (Pic. Of Olive Oyl?)

The 27 member-states of the European Union gathered together in Berlin to celebrate their 50th anniversary. The participants are expected to discuss a stalled constitution, sample many barely edible foods and talk shit about Turkey.

President Bush visited Guatemala this week commenting that he always wanted to know where deadheads got all that crap.

Shockwave were felt through financial markets this week with the current record number of housing foreclosures, based on sub-prime real estate loans. Pointing out that while 20 million people have an “American Dream” they also lack 7th grade math skills.

Scientists for the first time have discovered what appear to be sea-size bodies of liquid on the surface of Saturn's largest moon, Titan. A government spokesman said, “We are very excited by this discovery as most of you know where there is water there are also like to be off shore oil drilling platforms.”

Angelina Jolie has adopted a fourth child from Vietnam. The boy is 3 yeas-old and speaks very little English but he already knows what MILF means.

Khalid Sheik Mohammed, the alleged mastermind of the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks, confessed at a Guantanamo Bay military hearing that he planned and funded that al-Qaeda operation and said he was involved in more than two dozen other terrorist acts around the world. “Yeah, yeah what ever you say I did it the Linburg baby, I shot Kennedy, just turn off the Britney Spears music please you can electrocute my testicles again but no more “Ooops I did it again”.”

Gen. Peter Pace declined today to apologize for saying that he believes homosexuality is “immoral.” He then went back to figuring out how to kill as many people as possible before lunch.

Democratic candidates pulled out of a scheduled debate in Nevada that was to be hosted by FOX News. It seems that someone leaked a story that the News Corp flagship may not be “Fair and Balanced.”

Former baseball commissioner Bowie Kuhn died Thursday at age 80; he is survived by his wife, three children and several players to be named later.

Simon Cowell says he's bigger than Bruce Springsteen. In an interview aired earlier this evening on CBS' "60 Minutes" the American Idol host said that he was more important than the Boss and almost the same size as Jesus but admitted that he was clearly not as big as John Lennon.  

Newly discovered e-mails indicate that Presidential advisor Karl Rove had a role in the dismissal of federal prosecutors. Rove’s office immediately denied the allegations saying, the e-mails must have been sent by Valerie Plame.

Cuban officials state that Fidel Castro will be well enough to stand for parliament, a first step in retaining his presidency. But several insiders have hinted that the dictator’s recent illness would make it more likely that Ralph Nader would run.

Ricky Martin was named King of New York City's Puerto Rican Day Parade. Leaving organizers scrambling to find another Queen for next month’s Gay pride parade.

The Walt Disney Co. has started production on an animated musical fairy tale called "The Frog Princess," which will be set in New Orleans and feature the Walt Disney Studio's first black princess. The story revolves around how the evil King tries to drown all the black people in New Orleans and will feature the voice of Kanye West.

Wal-Mart Stores Inc. is dropping its bid to establish a bank after months of heated debate over whether the world's largest retailer should be allowed to gain the added financial power of a federally insured bank. As a concession to the giant retailer they were, however, given no-bid contracts for the rebuilding of any country we invade within the next year.

Huge crowds turned out in Selma Alabama to mark the anniversary of the march for voting rights in 1965 Amongst those attending were leading Presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Many in the crowd were disappointed that the Democrats stopped short of including police dogs and fire hoses.

The world premiere of "Three Days in the Life," a documentary about John Lennon, was canceled after lawyers for the slain Beatle's widow, Yoko Ono, warned that she had not authorized any public viewing of the film. Said a Spokesman, “Her intention was that after the documentary was made that it be printed as individual frames and each person who received a frame would write a poem on the back and wear it as a corsage for peace.”

In a direct challenge to President Bush, House Democrats are advancing legislation requiring the withdrawal of U.S. combat troops from Iraq by the fall of next year. They figure right between the first and second presidential debate ought to be just right.

A woman who went into a vegetative state in November of 2000 awoke this week for three days; spoke with her family and a local television station before slipping back on Wednesday. "I'm fine," Christa Lilly told her mother on Sunday. Proving once again that people in comas are liars.

Former major league relief pitcher John Rocker told ESPN Radio on Wednesday he never bought human growth hormone with a prescription. He bought it from some black guy like everyone else.  

Blues Traveler singer and harmonica player John Popper was arrested after the vehicle he was riding in was clocked going 111 mph. The police searched the vehicle and found multiple weapons and a small amount of marijuana. In his defense he said, “C’mon guys I can’t eat everything in site anymore so I like to get high and shoot at shit, who doesn’t?”

Just weeks after the disintegration of Van Halen’s tour plans Eddie Van Halen announced he is checking into rehab. The guitar wizard became aware of his problem when he realized David Lee Roth was making sense.

Or: that 15 of the 20 planned tour stops were within Columbia.
A Franco-Swiss team is using a robot amphibian to study how the first land animals on Earth might have walked. A similar study has been undertaken by U.S. government scientists using robot simulations to study exactly how Jesus rode dinosaurs.

For the third year in a row, the Senate on Tuesday evening did not pass an Intelligence Authorization Bill, over the objection of a lone Republican senator whose name is being protected by his colleagues. We here at Big News have learned that the lone Senator is none other than Sen. Ornery McCrankypants.

It was reported this week that students in an Indiana shop class were having sex during class commented Principal Whatshis/hername, “This charge is totally unbelievable it would mean that our industrial Arts instructor Russell Mulloskowicz (who’s a disabled vet by the way) was unaware of what goes on in the back of his massive work space I mean the next thing your going to tell me is that one of my female gym coaches is a lesbian.”

Actress Selma Hayak is pregnant with her first child and plans to marry soon. The news was broken by Mexican television station Telemundo under the headline “Selma Hayak’s Breasts Will be Bigger Soon!” or “Selma Hayak’s chi-chi’s mas grande?”

A videotape showing Pentagon officials' final interrogation of al-Qaida suspect Jose Padilla is missing. Though officials believe they can still download most of it off of YouTube.

Former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich publicly admitted for the first time that while conducting impeachment hearings for President Clinton he was himself having an extramarital affair. He also told listeners that he was, “Not a hypocrite because as a conservative Republican he didn’t enjoy the sex.”

Or: since he was not a liberal he didn’t enjoy it.

James Brown's body was placed in a crypt Saturday at the Beech Island home of one his daughters. And now according to eyewitnesses it lies moldering in the grave.

    I'm a quite excited about new music these days and it has all to do with the discovery of BBC 6 Music. It's a bit like when I moved to San Francisco with a bunch of baseball fans and re-discovered my love of baseball watching the Giants from the bleachers at Candlestick Park. (But that's a whole other story) Ironically, the gents I moved across the country with and I comprised a band of sorts and after folding my days in a band chapter I've had less and less contact with "new" music. The fact that Ronald Reagan decided that it would be o.k. for three or four corporations to control most media hasn't helped much either. (But that's a documentary subject ) As for BBC 6 Music they are brilliant. I stumbled across them by accident at work while trying to find some music on the computer to drown out the Ranchara mix tape of songs played out of key to a 1986 Casio keyboard drum track by our dishwasher. Under the radio function on the computer there was a selection for alternative music and BBC 6 looked hopeful. I have now become their unofficial spokesman in Los Angeles. Due to the fact that they don’t have to sell toothpaste or cars they actually play music, music chosen by the presenters who actually sit in a studio and produce a show. Because of the time difference between LA and London I am usually listening to the morning show which during the week is hosted by Phill Jupitus who has a great time waking the UK and entertaining the rest of us. I have built a bit of relationship by sending frequent comments and requests it’s pretty neat to hear someone on the other side of the globe respond to your “cheeky comment or pithy request.” I even sent them a copy of a Pete Townsend CD because they had never heard his version of “Save it For Later” On the weekends Natasha does the honors and though she loves to make scatological references (she’s a new mother and poo and wee are you know… there) she is really great fun to listen to and has some interesting bits including "Mullet Over" in which listener nominate rocker or footballers with the worse 70's hair cuts.   

    What makes 6 music the fantastic experience it is, though, is the diversity of music they will play Lou Reed followed by the Arctic Monkey’s into Doris Day. it’s awesome checkout any play-list (they archive them) Plus they have a huge library of Hub sessions and Peal session- live in studio recordings by artist dating back to the 60’s. Just last month on the anniversary of Joe Strummer’s death they played a repeat of a day he spent playing songs he liked and talking about music how cool is that?
    I could go on and on but if you haven’t clicked one of the links yet you’re just not interested. 

BJ's Wholesale Club, Inc. said Tuesday it was recalling packages of fresh mushrooms after it a routine inspection revealed the possible presence of the deadly bacteria E. coli. Said a spokesman, “Who would have thought that fungus grown is shit might be bad for you?”

A suicide attack outside a US military base in Afghanistan where Vice President Dick Cheney was visiting Tuesday killed 18 people including three foreign soldiers, officials said. “ It was a pretty huge blast the Vice President’s heart would have skipped a beat, if he had one.”

The International Criminal Court's chief prosecutor will name the first suspects accused of committing war crimes in Sudan's Darfur region many insiders are worried that they are going to blame it on a black guy.

The Army general in charge of Walter Reed Hospital was fired on Thursday marking the first time during the Bush administration that anyone has been fired for gross incompetence.

And Finally… Arthur Schlesinger died this week at age 89. Schlesinger became famous as John F. Kennedy’s closest advisor not to sleep with Marilyn Monroe.

Many political observers were disappointed on Oscar night when Al Gore failed to make the big announcement that they had anticipated. Unfortunately, Gore is not pregnant he's just fat.

The original Wendy’s restaurant in Columbus Ohio closed on Friday due to lagging sales. The restaurant will re-open next week as Columbus’ 575th Starbucks.

Libya's leader, Muammar Gaddafi, says it has not been properly compensated for giving up nuclear weapons. The dictator claims that he is owed, “many more sequined jackets and several hundred silly hats.”

Focus on the Family founder James C. Dobson and 30 other Christian leaders are calling for the National Association of Evangelicals to silence or fire an official who has urged evangelicals to take global warming seriously. “He needs to go back to saying things that are hateful and bat-shit crazy like the rest of us just like Jesus wanted.”

Many political observers were disappointed on Oscar night when Al Gore failed to make the big announcement that they had anticipated. Unfortunately, Gore is not pregnant he's just fat.

Eddie Murphy stormed out of the theater after losing the best supporting actor Oscar to Adam Arkin. Murphy’s press agent said the actor intended no disrespect to Arkin or the Academy but that he had to rush off to start filming Norbit 2.

A professional baseball league will begin later this year in Israel. It will be the first pro league to award points for arguing with the umpires.

Tariq al-Hashemi, the Iraq Sunni vice president, says the U.S. needs a “Plan B” to stop violence in Iraq. Defense Secretary Gates responded, "We do have a Plan B but the evangelical Christian head of the FD A won't let us use it."

Or: The name the Defense Department has given to said plan is the "Let those poor bastards fight it out for another 100 years" plan.

A 21-year-old man was arrested Monday after he tried to cash a check for $50,000 at the Chase Bank in Hobart, Indiana that was signed "King Savior, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Servant." When reached for comment, God explained that he only pays crazy people in cash, by pay pal, or occasionally with World of Warcraft strength and agility points.

A conservative group that claims his Nashville mansion uses too much electricity is calling Al Gore, a leading voice in the fight against global warming, a hypocrite. However, Gore pointed out that he needs to constantly have electricity sent through the bolts in his neck to keep him alive, he is hoping to harness the power of lightning for this purpose.