Swamp Elective

    Well the Scooter Libby trial is off and running and what fun it all is. Ari Fliesher testified yesterday and wowed the crowd with wit, an easy smile and immunity from prosecution. Ultimately I think this trial will be like the Martha Stewart trial Libby will be found guilty although most people, including the jury, won’t understand what actually happened they will just want to “send a message.” Something happened that was bad (a CIA operative was exposed) the implication is that it was for political retribution so even if the facts don’t quite add up someone is going to be punished. And the average American will probably be left thinking, “What just happened?” 

    And also a guy named Scooter should be playing a middle-infield spot for the Rochester Red-birds  not working in Washington.

    Fox update: the hits just keep on coming the continued pressure on Sandy Berger to roll over on the whole Clinton caused 9/11 to happen deal, is taking fantastic surrealistic turns. Just in case you missed it; the rest of the television, press, smoke-signal, and ham radio media have decided that the biggest story in Washington DC is the Scooter Libby trial. But that would be a story most loyal Fox viewers would find distasteful so instead they have been digging on the “Sandy Berger destroyed the evidence that proves Bill Clinton caused 9/11 and thus his wife is the anti-Christ” story, you know, as a counter-point to…well the onrushing apocalypse.
    So Sean Hannity in his infinite wisdom and precise reading of the days talking points plans to show a fictionalized version of an historical event (unaired improvisational scenes from the ABC docudrama Path to 9/11) to bolster his case. And this is where it gets really good Hannity has a guest host, wait for it, Chuck Norris (I told you you couldn’t make this shit up!) and the Texas Ranger himself says that it’s a bad idea! 

    Man I love Fox News in just 10 short minutes they can make my head spin around 360 degrees and make me wonder why more people don’t commit horrendous hate crimes against the entrenched power structure. Lest you think I have idle time to kill watching television just to annoy myself (I’d rather rub poison ivy on my genitals) I caught the broadcast while waiting for Martin to find a climate control unit for my car at a car dismantler/ parts joint.  Today’s revelations were; that Sandy Berger stole official documents from the National Archives that had to be related to 9/11 (because you know they are) and they obviously prove that 9/11 was all Bill Clinton’s fault (because, you know blow-jobs Bin laden don’t make me spell it out for you) it was conjectural television at it's best. All in all it was a breathtaking display of innuendo theater. And that was followed by 10 minutes on how Rosie O’Donnell is a “Maniac” (complete with “Flashdance” music cue.) because she has been “ranting” about impeaching George W. Bush, for two whole days! Now, I do think that Rosie O’Donnell is an unpleasant person and she spouts off about anything and everything that enters her decidedly angry mind but there is a solid legal case to made for impeachment. I don’t think it will happen, Rosie shouldn’t be it’s spokesman, and it is not a top priority for the country at this time but maniacal? I think not. 

    The “State of the Union ” was pretty much what they have been hyping for the last couple of days namely “No really guys I know the last 10 or 20 things I told you about Iraq were lies or turned out to be wrong but this time I’m super sure of it!” And the gambit that really baffles me is the “We have to win because if we don’t it’ll be real bad,” Well, yeah! that’s what everyone was saying Captain Gung Ho go-it-alone there’s a really good chance this will suck!

    But it did give Senator Jim Webb a chance to give the best Democratic response in resent memory. To the point, not long on specifics but these things seldom are and he opened with “I can’t rebut every point in the President’s speech.” Mind you I read it I didn’t see/hear it so unless he delivered it poorly I give it an 8. I also think that corn based ethanol is an off-brand band-aid on the gaping head wound that is this countries energy policy.

    Is it just me or do you think if you want to be bipartisan or even if you were prefer not to have most of your cabinet hauled before committees to explain their incompetence you might want to refer to the majority party by the name they have chosen for themselves rather than a peevish bastardized slur that some think tank dreamt up. I refer of course to the  "Democrat" party, what a weenie.

Ashley Harder Miss New Jersey USA becomes the Miss USA pageant’s third contestant to court controversy. She passed on her crown this week due to the fact that she is pregnant. Here with a comment is Donald Trump: “Wow, this really is bad luck who wants to see a pageant full of hot chicks who get drunk make out with other girls take their tops off in public and then get knocked up unexpectedly? Oh, me and about 150 million other guys! Bite me, Miss America!”

A polar bear at the Pittsburg zoo received a root canal to repair and injured tooth according to zoo spokesman the bear is now resting comfortably and plans to spend the next few weeks zonked out on Vicodan and watching the playoffs.

The Golden Globes were handed out this week by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association and now their membership can go back to being annoying self-important turds with bad accents, until next year.

In the Middle East this week Hammas announced that it will never recognize Israel, insiders suspect it is because Israel insists on wearing a “funny nose and glasses” when meeting with foreign officials.  

In honor of Martin Luther King Day, this Monday, many rare papers of Dr. King’s were placed on display at the Center in Atlanta, which bears his name. Amongst them are a first draft of his famous “I Have a Dream” speech, a list of “things I hate about whitey” and an “F-troop” spec. script.

President George W. Bush has decided not to reauthorize the controversial domestic warrantless surveillance program. Based on his own past statements we can only guess that it is because the President is a terrorist coddling pussy.

Art Buchwald died at the age of 81 this week and his eulogy will be delivered by Irma Bombeck disproving the age-old theory that they are the same person.

Rich Little has been tapped to perform at this year’s White House Correspondents dinner. After last year’s highly controversial appearance by Stephen Colbert Little has been asked to “go easy on Bush” so the comic won’t do any impressions of people who aren’t dead.  

The Democratic Congress has delivered their “First 100 Hours Agenda” in just 42 hours and 25 minutes causing several health problems. A Capitol doctor said, “14 representatives were treated for exhaustion, 19 more have shoulder injuries from patting themselves on the back and 23 are being treated for anxiety, nausea and disorientation from actually doing something for the first time in 6 years.”

Oprah Winfrey was named Forbes’ “Richest Women in Entertainment.” Former winner Martha Stewart commented, “Big deal! She’s soft she wouldn’t last ten minutes on the inside all that money means nothing when your doing time.”

British Airways has changed its uniform policy to allow workers to openly wear crosses on chains. But they remind passengers “You may not bring an actual cross on-board and attempt to place it in the overhead bin, even on flights to Jerusalem.”

Former Dharma and Greg Star Jenna Elfman and former Felicity star Keri Russell are pregnant and no one has seen Kevin Federline for at least 5 days.

Mel Martinez is expected to be named the new chairman of the Republican National Convention this week and he said, “It is important that we speak with one voice and doubly important that that voice have an Hispanic accent or we are in deep guacamole.”

A wild jungle girl was discovered in Cambodia this week. The unknown woman, who had disappeared in the jungle as a child 19 years ago, was described as "half human/half animal" and speaks no intelligible language. But is expected to have over 15,000 myspace friends by the end of the week.

    Hillary, Seriously? Hillary, fucking, Clinton! You have got to be fucking kidding me. To those of you who consider yourselves Democrats, I’m sorry. Have you learned nothing? The cat’s out of the bag pretty much everybody thinks that the war in Iraq was a bad idea. Not a possible misunderstanding of a well -intentioned plan that could have been managed better I mean 67% of respondents would use the word cluster-fuck if their sense of decorum allowed them to. (My mom’s 81 and I think she would say cluster -fuck if it wouldn’t take some awkward explaining about its etymology)  The fact that one of Senator Clinton’s big moves in this last session of congress was signing on to an anti-flag burning amendment ought to be all the information you need to bury her in the no way file. Our President was ignoring the Constitution to torture human beings and spy on U.S. citizens and various other repugnant behaviors and he was bold enough to write out just how he was going to ignore the Constitution in his “Signing Statements” and a group of politicians said “Ahh, Flag burning?!” She’s John Kerry in a skirt people wake up! The bell curve is for predicting IQ testing strategies not for finding the centrist position on water-baording. I do have to give her one thing she has the ability to raise lots of money (people pay $300 to see Barbara Steisand too but I cringe when I accidentally agree with her politics too.) I just hope that Hillary doesn’t drain resources from a viable candidate.

    This is one of those things that gets me far more excited than it should but I put the final touches on my Waste Vegetable Oil filtration unit and everything looks to be working just as it was meant to. The major overhaul was to the main containment vessel that I had contaminated with several batches of oil that had not been settled for a minute let alone the recommended 24-48 hours. Which meant that I needed to empty out a 55 gallon drum and clean it entirely and then refit everything I also wanted to re-gasket the valves (because the gaskets and locking nuts are flat and don't conform to the outside shape of the barrel) I did this with some silicone gasket sealant and it seemed to work perfectly. The lower valve is covered by oil now and isn't leaking. I won't know about the upper one until I build more inventory but it should be fine too. I also added the Lovecraft filtration unit to the front of the system so I'm basically doing twice as much filtration with two 55 gallon containers each settling the oil and straining it as well all in all it ought to come out pretty damn clean and I can dispense curb-side which is my favorite part. Yeah, yeah I'll read about how to use my phone and take a picture and post it.

    Well, it took three hours but I finally talked Al Franken into running for congress. That’s right you heard it first here Al Franken is going to be the next Senator from the great state of Minnesota. I think what really sealed the deal was my invoking the memory of Paul Wellstone and what a really decent guy he was and he was able to remain that way even in the morass of politics. That and reminding him that no one on Capitol Hill can tell a joke for shit. Even Barney Frank, who used to kill with his Democratic responses to Ronald Reagan's State of the Union adresses, has lost his touch-he compared Stephen Colbert to the Three Stooges for Christ sake! Of course Al had major objections, “What about my family?” (Personally I don’t think Fran will dig the Washington scene) “Will the Democrats get behind a Franken candidacy?” C’mon I told him we were all onboard for the Al Franken decade what’s a little Senate campaign? (A hearty laugh was had by all!) So I quickly called up Charles Schumer and got him to calm Al down, we struck a deal whereby Al doesn’t make Jewish jokes about Chuck outside of Manhattan, Beverly Hills or certain open zones like the Skirball Center or Friars’ Club Roast locations and Chuck assures him that the Democratic apparatus won’t leave him open to abuse by the right wing noise machine. There where also some Hollywood TV executive types willing to talk big numbers that were in on the meeting but it was mostly my show. They wish to remain anonymous until the real campaigning starts and they can throw their endorsements and swanky parties our way. Did I mention that Buck Henry was at the next table? Well, he was. Do you remember the perverted baby sitter character Buck used to play on Saturday Night Live with Gilda Radner and Lorraine Newman? Boy, pederasts used to be funny back before Stone Phillips started his Candid Camera for Kiddy diddlers.

    I now understand why the Oscars tend to be skewed toward smaller features. After seeing the results of the Golden Globes and being a member of the SAG nominating committee this year I realize that when you really like a small film that has “adult” themes and isn’t as easily accessible as say “Borat ” you get this strange responsibility to let the little guy win. Take for example “Half Nelson ” which I really liked but which almost nobody saw I feel like I have to vote for Ryan Gosling because if he wins a couple of people will think “wow, I should see that movie.” Both Forrest Whitaker and Peter O’Toole gave great performances in “Last King of Scotland ” and “Venus ” respectively but they will get their attention win or lose Forrest Whitaker because he already has garnered so much attention for his bigger than life role and O’Toole because chances are this is one of the last major roles of his career and in the fullness of time people will find it. (And who would have thought that he would be the one of the last of the great London booze-hounds to kick it.)

    Since I have now decided that you care about various aspects of my existence I should mention that a few months back I bought a new car, well new to me, that had been converted to run on vegetable oil. It’s a ’91 Mercedes diesel that was converted by Lovecraft in Silverlake. My plan was -and still is for that matter- to run it on waste vegetable oil from the restaurant (AMMO ) where I work. Suffice it to say it has been a pretty steep learning curve with me making about every mistake one can in regard to careful and/or thoughtful oil filtration. The problem arising from the fact that we do not produce enough oil for all my needs and the oil from outside sources needs to be handled properly to assure “purity” basically the system requires as much settling as possible because gravity does most of the work!
    Of the other new things- I had my phone stolen so I got a new one from the company that I use (Working Assets they give 1% of profits to good causes) and it’s got a camera on it I haven’t used it yet I think in some ways I’m opposed to gadgetry -which makes no sense -but not using the camera gives me some bewildering quasi-Luddite crotchety New Hampshire “What-the hell would I use that for?” street cred. But I’m sure that will fade and I’ll end up posting some pix of my veg-mobile.