Swamp Elective

Helen Mirren received a Best Actress nomination for her performance in The Queen in which she portrays Queen Elizabeth II. She has previously won an Oscar for playing Queen Elizabeth I and says if she were to win again she would be sure to complete the trilogy by appearing in next years, “The Freddie Mercury Story”

Over 250 people have reported being sickened after eating at “Olive Garden” restaurants in Indiana. Patrons said they should have been suspicious of the unlimited breadsticks and E.coli fettuccini.

Democrats are optimistic that Senator Tim Johnson will recover from brain surgery this week and that they will retain control of the chamber. Republicans say that they have learned thier lesson from the Terry Shiavo affair and are willing to pull the plug any time.

Iraq held a national conference on Saturday designed to halt mounting sectarian violence that has raised fears of civil war. Negotiators are optimistic as in the 1300-year rift between Shia and Sunni no one ever thought of having a conference… and the US team has promised fudge pops.

After a 19-gun salute that echoed across the Potomac, Donald H. Rumsfeld stepped down Friday as secretary of defense. Paul Wolfowitz, Douglas Feith, flanked Rumsfeld and President Bush the salute was the closest any of the architects of the War in Iraq have ever been to actual military service.

Wal-Mart has narrowed the field of potential new advertising agencies to three when their previous agency Omnicom Group failed to impress with their “We sell really cheap shit by fucking over our suppliers and employees” campaign.

President Bush participated in a summit on malaria, but the talk was all about the emcee — Isaiah Washington, one of the stars of the immensely popular ABC drama “Grey’s Anatomy.” Guests were impressed the actor spoke English clearly and hadn’t started World War III.

President Bush is digesting the recommendations of the “Iraq Study Group” and two other studies commissioned by the White House. Said Tony Snow, “There is a lot of information here for us to discuss and frankly the President doesn’t know which of these ideas he is going to ignore first.”

In one of his only direct comments about the Iraq Study Group President Bush said he was dismayed that James Baker III was unable to find an easy fix as he had for previous Bush errors leading some to speculate that The president is still hoping to, “Sell Iraq to a bunch of daddy’s friends.”

Time magazine announced that “You” are the person of the year for 2006. They hastened to add they are upset that you haven’t returned their phone calls and that you should make your own arrangements for the awards ceremony on January 4th.

The Vatican has announced it plans to field a soccer team to compete internationally. The move was said to “put to some good use the habit of young priests to dribble over balls.”

Friday’s Iranian elections suggested today that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had experienced a major setback barely over a year after his own election. The “we are not complete nut jobs” party picked up 25 seats in the parliament running on a platform of “We think the Holocaust probably happened.”

Joe Barbera, half of the Hanna-Barbera animation team that produced such beloved cartoon characters as Tom and Jerry, Yogi Bear and the Flintstones, died Monday; He apparently was beaten to death by a cat with a large mallet. In lieu of flowers his family has requested Pick-a-nick baskets of brontosaurus burgers be sent to homeless shelters.

Fox is developing a quiz show called "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?," in which one adult will face off against five ten-year-olds, answering questions from the students' textbooks. Winners will then be shown by the 5th graders how to use their "Blackberries." Duh?!

With the Barack Obama poised to run for President in 2008 Democrats are sighting polls that say he can win the office if they can get half of the voters to vote for the half of the candidate that’s not black.

Chilean officials announced that former president Augusto Pinochet will be buried with military honors but not those afforded a head of state. A current Ambassador added, “Letters of condolence can be sent to the 5th ring of Hell 666 Hitler Ave. Hades.

The Bush administration has adopted a new catch phrase for the war in Iraq; “A New Way Forward.” Other options that were rejected included. “Stay on the course”, “Stay with the current course” and “Hey, Look over there isn’t that Iran?!”

A U.S. appeals court will allow ex-Enron Chief Executive Jeffrey Skilling to stay out of prison while the court decides upon an appeal that says a lengthy prison stay will quote “severely impact the defendant golf game.” End quote

Courtney Love had misdemeanor drug charges dropped and probation ended, last Friday, on the condition that she stays away from drugs, alcohol and Paris Hilton.

English authorities are still investigating the poisoning death of ex-KGB official Alexander Litvinenko have been baffled by the lack of evidence despite the number of radioactive contaminations but they are all looking forward to it being made into a really good episode of “House.”

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez was reelected by a wide margin. He announced that unlike the sulfurous smell of the devil emitted by George Bush his presidency will continue to be minty fresh with slight hint of lime.

Cuba's acting president, Raul Castro, departed from his brother's confrontational approach to the United States, saying this weekend he was open for talks with Washington. He was hopping that his overtures to the west would result in Cuba getting humanitarian aid, cassette tapes and parts for ’58 through ’62 Fords.

Paris Hilton won't joke about her peeps. The hotel heiress canceled an appearance at next week's Billboard Music Awards because she didn't like the jokes written for her, according to the person paid to read them to her.

American Indian Leaders Praise Indigenous Casting in Mel Gibson's New Film 'Apocalypto' they say that the director went to great lengths to use indigenous actors in the film and to keep the Jews away.

Doctors say Chile's former military leader Augusto Pinochet is in a serious condition after a heart attack. Fifty Eight percent of the Chilean population say they were hoping for something more painful and lingering.

Greg Page lead singer of the Australian children’s group the Wiggles has stepped down sighting fatigue and health issues though some fans blame Yoko Ono.

Presidential Security Advisor Stephen Hadley tried to temper expectations that the upcoming report by the Iraq Study Group would cause a major shift in Iraq policy noting that at over 500 pages the President wouldn’t finish reading it until 2011.

English investigators looking for clues in the poisoning death of Alexander Litvinenko may have gotten a break this week when a former soccer star released the book, “If I ever poisoned an ex-KGB officer here’s how I did it.”

The FBI, responding to a freedom of information act, released five new videotapes from the 9/11 attack of the Pentagon. The new tapes clearly show the “umbrella man” firing missiles from the grassy knoll. 

    Don’t see “History Boys” it’s annoying (it treats pedophilia as little more than a bad habit), it is way to chatty (it was adapted from a play and does little to open up the visuals outside of a rather random “field-trip”), and it’s way too English unless lads from Sheffield getting a shot at Oxford and Cambridge sets your heart aflutter you will miss the drama and even if you do “get it” you’ll wish you were watching Arsenal vs. Manchester United.

    I have to say thought that some of the dialogue was clever and as a result I have a new favorite phrase: “cunt-struck” one of the main characters is very fond of compound adjectives and this one is brilliant. I think it must be the perfect counter-point to “boy crazy” which conjures up images of giggling school girls chatting on phones and text messaging friends at the mall while twirling a pen with a fuzzy-haired eraser. The male equivalent captures all of the blunt, obsessive and crude repositioning of the pubescent compass: “cunt-struck.” Every heterosexual male will find the sensation instantly familiar to varying degrees personally it’s some where from 352 to 360 degrees. I’m not quite sure what it was that I lived my life in pursuit of before I discovered that being naked in the presence of equally naked females was a most exhilarating experience but I doubt it ever launched a thousand ships.

14 more were killed an 12 were wounded as fighting continued in suburban shopping malls over the Playstation 3 gaming console.