Swamp Elective

Keith Urban entered rehab this week just 4 months after marrying Nicole Kidman. Country music fans breathed a sigh of relief that the singer would face his problems head on and that he was not “turned into a gay scientologist.”

Scientist in the US and England announced that they have invented a cloak of invisibility. They will demonstrate the device for the public as soon as they have finished the matching hat and mittens. 

Or: Scientist in the US and England announced that they have invented a cloak of invisibility. They will demonstrate the device for the public as soon as they get them out of the women's shower. 

Former Enron executive Jeffery Skilling was sentenced to 24 years in prison for his part in the collapse of the energy company. His defense team is expected to appeal for a lighter sentence or a massive heart attack. 

The Great Lakes region was blanketed with up to two feet of snow this week. RNC Chairman Ken Mehlmen says it’s the fault of liberal Democrats trying to get people to believe in Global Warming and vote for Democrat.

Police are thinking of charging Israeli President Moshe Katsav with rape, sexual assault and fraud, after he formally requested oral sex from his devout orthodox wife.

A doctor in Japan recently revealed that a 50 year-old woman, using her daughter’s eggs and her son in-law’s sperm, gave birth to her own grandson. (Phillip enters as dueling banjos plays) See she was Japanese. Japanese! Just try to make that into a red-neck joke I dare you, see you can’t do it. Damn elitist liberals. And turn off that dang music!

Fox fired commentator Steve Lyons for “inflammatory and racially insensitive comments” during the ALCS broadcast. Additionally, Sean Hanidy and Ann Coulter won’t even be allowed to listen baseball on a transistor radio from undisclosed off-shore location.  

Sen. John Kerry has been out campaigning for fellow Democrats describing various parts of President Bush’s policies as: “A Lie, a lie, a lie, a lie” It has taken the former Presidential candidate just 32 years in public office to come up with a coherent message that people understand. 

A strong earthquake shook Hawaii early Sunday, causing landslides that blocked major highways on Hawaii Island and Maui. Tourists reported losing several umbrellas out of drinks during the temblor and that locals were in a state approaching “less mellow.”

North Korean officials blasted the US led sanctions proposed by the UN this week saying that they were a “declaration of war.” Tony Snow said, “Wake up we don’t declare war anymore that’s so 1941. That’s for reality-based constitution nuts. Look at Vietnam, look at Iraq we will seriously fuck some shit up if we want to but one thing we will not do is declare war.”

In light of the Mark Foley scandal Democrats have unleashed a new slogan for the November House elections; “how do you expect them to protect your nation when they can’t protect your sons bung hole.”

And Finally, Baseball legend Buck O’Neil passed away this week he leaves behind his family, the Negro League Hall of Fame and every great story you ever heard about Satchel Paige.

Intelligence officials say that Cuban leader Fidel Castro has terminal cancer and will never return to power. The news has cockroaches and Cher very worried.

Over $7.1 million was spent on more than 1000 props and memorabilia from the “Star Trek” films and TV series’ according to Christies auction house. The huge total makes it more than likely that most trekkies will never be able to afford to move out of their parent’s basement.

Madonna visited a third orphanage in Malawi on Saturday amid persistent rumors that she plans to adopt a boy who lost his parents to AIDS. She’s having trouble because she insists on getting one “the right color to match the drapes.”

George Steinbrenner wasted no time in piling on his losing franchise calling them “a sad failure” and “deeply disappointing.” While those outside of the Big Apple preferred to call them overpaid sore losers with a douche-bag owner. 

  If you haven’t yet seen “The Illusionist” you are missing out. Jump on board now so you are not stuck in the awkward position of waiting until after the Golden Globes put the movie on the map and the Hollywood publicity machine starts pumping out Oscar buzz by the imperial shit-load.

    I knew next to nothing about the film going in other than some actor-types had said there was some great acting in it, and great acting there is, in large well-crafted doses. If Paul Giamatti manages to avoid some award frenzy this year, after this performance I may start to beleive that he is actually cursed in some way. Edward Norton is equally brilliant as the title character in this turn of the century drama that takes place in Vienna. And Jessica Biel manages to bring nuance and texture to a role that could have easily been: “the beautiful girl in the movie with Ed Norton and Paul Giamatti.”

    I’m sure there is some really big thematic underpinning to the fact that Edward Norton’s Illusionist chooses as his stage name “Eisenheim” from his equally Semitic given name and that he was the peasant who falls in love with the girl of noble birth in the pre war Austro-Hungarian empire but I already have my film degree and no one is grading me on so cleverly interpreting film theory, so I just watched a fantastic film.

    The cinematography was superb from the cobbled and weathered streets of Vienna, to the gas-lighted stages where the Illusionist plies his craft, all the way to the Prince’s palace all captured in rich detail.

            Go see it already. 

In a speech on Saturday Pakistani President Pervez Musharrif said that American detainees held in Pakistan were not tortured. In response the White House said, “If that is the case then we’re not paying them.” 

After being voted “World Sexiest Woman” last week Scarlet Johannsen asked, “What about my brains.” Male respondents said that given the chance they would fuck them too.

Or PG 13- Sure bring ‘em along if you want to.

The first female space tourist Anousheh Ansari returned safely to earth Saturday and claimed that space smells like a burnt almond cookie. Apparently no one warned against the dangers of pulling a cosmonauts finger.

The United States and the European Union failed to meet a Saturday deadline to conclude a permanent new agreement on the sharing of airline passenger data, at issue just how brown is “brown.”

In reviewing claims made in Bob Woodward’s new book “State of Denial” former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger concurs with the conclusions made about the War in Iraq. Next up Joseph Stalin says spying operation too invasive and Pol Pot’s assessment that torture at Guantanimo “goes too far.

In just the last 7 days the former head of the Congressional caucus on abused children Mark Foley was caught sending pornographic e-mails to a minor. The Republican leadership in the house was found to be covering up Foley’s behavior and a new Republican candidate was introduced in the same Florida district. The Democratic candidate is still behind in polls by 19 points.

Former major league pitcher Jason Grimsley who promptly retired after being caught with performance enhancing drugs has said that former teammates Andy Pettite and Roger Clemens had used steroids. The 58 year-old Clemens playing in his 39th season said the claim was “preposterous.”

An engineer at a nuclear power plant has been charged with sending threatening letters containing a powdery substance to a country club where President Bush is scheduled to appear Tuesday. No one is quite sure what had made Homer Simpson so angry.

A poll released on Tuesday said that “If the election were held today” Democrats would pick up all seats in the House and Senate that were considered toss-ups. Which give the Democrats just 32 days in which to figure out exactly how they will lose.

After announcing earlier in the week that he was seeking treatment for alcohol abuse disgraced former Rep. Mark Foley said Tuesday that he was sexually abused by a clergyman as a teenager. Beltway insiders suggest that next week’s news conference will feature an evil twin or alien abduction.

Both photographer Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern are claiming to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s recent spawn. A spokesman for Smith said that a blood test would prove the paternity in question with the blood to be drawn during a 5 round pay-per-view bare knuckle fight at the Dallas Hooters.