Swamp Elective

The Senate agreed, late last week, to the White House’s proposed re-interpretation of the Geneva conventions. Meaning roughly that the pretend debate has concluded, so the pretend trials can start, and we can all get back to pretending we’re safer.

President Bush said Friday he was "taken aback" by a purported U.S. threat to bomb Pakistan back to the Stone Age if it did not cooperate in the fight against terrorism after the Sept. 11 attacks. Analyst say it is unlikely Bush used such language as it recognizes human history from before 1982.

Tampa Bay quarterback Chris Simms had his spleen removed after taking several hard hits in Sunday's 26-24 loss to the Carolina Panthers. Several players called Simms a “pussy” for going to a hospital rather than have the organ removed on the bench.

Singer formerly known as Cat Stevens criticizes pope over comments about Islam. In response the Pope called “Teaser and Firecat” over-rated mawkish hippy tripe.

Republican Senator John McCain outlined the language of the compromise reached with the White House last week. As a result Water boarding, Hypothermia, and extreme sleep deprivation will no longer be allowed for Republican Presidential candidates. 

The New Orleans Saints made a triumphant return to the Super dome defeating the Atlanta Falcons 23-3. The victory was highlighted by crisp offence and the fact that not one person was raped or killed in the bathrooms. 

    Wow! What a mess. I think this picture wants to be L.A. Confidential and stops trying halfway through the first scene. First, Josh Hartnet is to be panted over by mid pubescent girls (and guys if you want to go all liberal) not carry film noir grit and texture, the new Bogart he ain’t. There were three cases where Hartnet delivered serious/threatening/noir dialogue that just elicited laughter amongst the audience. And anyone who knows enough about the “Black Dahlia” case to have some favorite theories or suspicions need not worry that any of them will be upset by this film as it steers clear of the actual case for the most part. It instead concentrates on our pouty boy and his equally pouty friends Scarlet Johannsen, and Hillary Swank who join in the full-lipped adventure but the script meanders through the lives of two fictionalized cops and a gossipy back-story when the real deal murder is well out of earshot. Too bad it might have given the script a focus that somebody cared about.

    I have to give props to Aaron Eckhart for a nice performance in a confused script. And Brian DePalma still knows how to off people with panache. The tumble (in slow motion) through the center of a marble atrium ending on a fountain with a pyramid on the top was top-notch gore ballet. But overall I say avoid this mess.

The latest offensive strategy for Iraqi security forces will be to dig trenches around Baghdad. Once that operation is completed they will set up a Maginot line.

U.S. border agents arrested a Marine deserter wanted for the last 40 years as he drove into California from Mexico. He was moved immediately to Parris Island NC and will be in Baghdad by mid December.

Legendary News broadcaster Walter Cronkite called Katie Couric’s CBS Evening News performance “Revolutionary” as it was nearly devoid of any actual news content.

The recent admission by Ohio Congressmen Bob Ney of wrong-doing in the Abrahmoff lobbying scandal has bolstered Democrats who have changed their ’06 slogan to “The Democrats; We very seldom get indicted…unless you count that Louisiana guy with the money in his freezer.”

Peace activist, environmental crusader, and musician Willie Nelson was arrested on drug charges this week. “That pot-head freak ought to be locked up and they should throw away the key.” Said Rush Limbaugh.

In sports news, former USC running back Reggie Bush is suspected of violating NCAA rules. Unpublished reports say that Bush received billions of dollars from oil companies to sell off The PAC 10 to Halliburton. 

Eminem’s divorce from Kimberly Mather is being handed over to a mediator because the judge is afraid that in the time it takes for a full court preceding the two would be married again.

Senate Republican’s continue to struggle with the White House over the language contained in the “Interrogation Bill.” Senators led by John McCain wish to uphold the Geneva Conventions while the Dick Cheney insists that if he “can’t hook their testicles up the car batteries it’s just no fun”

A man drove past security and onto the grounds of the U.S. Capitol yesterday morning and then ran deep inside the building, leading police on a wild chase covering all four main floors before he was cornered in the basement. In their the defense the security detail said, ”C’mon he was a normal looking white guy, it’s not like he was a black Democratic woman with a fucked up hair cut or anything.”

President Bush and Iranian President Mahmoud Amadinijhad traded jabs at the United Nations on Tuesday. Bush talked tough and repeated the themes he’s been sounding for the last year or so while Amadinajhad sounded intelligent but mostly crazy.

In the dead of night and without firing a shot, Thailand's military overthrew popularly elected Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra on Tuesday. Los Angles residence can rest assured there will be no interruption of 15-20 menus left on your doorstep daily. 

After a week in which the Bush cabinet repeatedly compared the conflict in Iraq to World War II Osama bin Laden released a statement saying, “Oh yeah, and who were the guys in World War II who had the secret prisons in Poland that tortured people?”

Iran's president pledged undying support for Baghdad's new government on Tuesday, telling Iraq's Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki, that Tehran would help him end the violence at home. They also released a statement saying that they felt Mel Gibson was right. 

Madonna took the stage of Moscow's biggest stadium on Tuesday night in spite of religious protesters' threats to disrupt the performance; no one really gave a crap as her “Begging for Relevance” tour grinds on.

“Girls Gone Wild” producers have agreed to pay $2.1 million in fines for scenes containing underage girls engaged in sexual situation. Said Joseph Francis, “From now on we promise we will be much more careful about checking I.D.s before getting girls drunk and talking them into taking off their tops.”

Hewlett Packard is replacing its CEO and shuffling their boardroom due to the fact that they illegally wiretapped employees, without first suggesting that they were terrorist. 

The Who open their first world tour in more than 20 years. They are scheduled to play 50 dates in 14 countries or until the next member dies which ever comes first.

Former New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey appeared on Oprah this week to discuss his career in politics and his opinion on this seasons shoes and handbags.

Britney Spears has given birth to a second baby boy and is hoping to get right back into the studio to record her next album as she now has three mouths to feed. 

I just figured it out, George Bush has a “tell” a sign that he’s bluffing. Like on the “24 hour poker where you get to see the cards and everybody is sort of a character network.” and the President’s tell is, “See…” everything that follows the “See…” is complete and utter bulllshit that he is assembling from this mornings talking points or whatever is being screamed into his earpiece by Karl Rove and Dick Cheney. (God can you imagine having those two voices in your head 24/7?) My favorite was from about two months ago when he was addressing the United Nations and was asked about the Iran nuclear situation he responded, “We’re going to talk to the Iranians…See that’s diplomacy…” President Bush figured he had to tell the U.N. General Assembly the definition of diplomacy! Talking to them, you know Jimmy Carter pussy shit, no weapons systems no blood splattered interrogation rooms just a cup of tea and some good ol’ jaw waggin’.

The “See” almost always comes up in response to a question that points out the massive contradictions in logic that the President employs or attempts to paper over the cognitive dissonance between made up conclusions and inconvenient facts. The President then retreats to a nonsense fact based point usually punctuated by a snort-chuckle condescending tone that says It’s so simple I don’t understand why y’all are even asking me i.e.; “(Snort/chuckle) See, mint is a leafy green plant who’s natural oils many people find refreshing, and minty”

I suggest turning off the TV or changing the radio station as soon as hear the “See” and it will keep your head from exploding.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is “resting comfortably at Walter Reed Hospital” after surgery to repair a torn rotator cuff. Across the hall PFC Daniel Wilson was recovering from having lost both legs and one arm to an IED said Rumsfeld “gosh that’s darn unfortunate.”

Tropical Storm Florence formed Tuesday in the open Atlantic, becoming the sixth named storm of the 2006 hurricane season. Officials describe the storm a sassy, lazy and not worthy of living in a “deluxe apartment in the sky.”

Jerry Lewis' annual Labor Day telethon raised a record $61 million to fight muscular dystrophy, more importantly no one will have to see or hear from him or Ed McMahon for another twelve months.

Abnormally developed fish, possessing both male and female characteristics, have been discovered in the Potomac River in the District of Columbia. While Republicans in congress approve of pollution in principle they draw the line at gay and transgendered fish.

In a speech this week Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney called stem cell research "Orwellian" suggesting that it would lead to whole societies who express their genius by the time they are 27 and spend the rest of their lives as over-weigh hacks attempting to regain a shread of earlier brilliance.

    Thought provoking and rather disturbing. The main theme is also likely to be more common than most of us would care to think. The film “Half-Nelson” is a front row seat for the downward spiral of one man’s life.  The man, in this case, is an eighth grade history teacher who likes to smoke crack in his spare time. The performances are brilliant without exception and the music perfectly meshes with the twisted events that befall our protagonist. Without a happy Hollywood ending and moored to very dark themes this movie is not going to knock “Invincible” out of first place at the box-office but it is worth a look if you’re willing to watch someone self-destruct for a few hours. 

When I was in sixth grade it was common knowledge that my homeroom teacher had an alcohol still in his office. And that he and a fellow science teacher were pretty much toast (or toasted) by the lunch period. He'd been around since my brothers had gone though middle school and it was pretty well known then too. But then again, that that was back when being the town drunk was kind of fun (like Floyd on the Andy Griffith Show) and drunk driving was a hobby not a deadly law-enforcment nightmare. 

    I just saw the David Hockney exhibit at LACMA I liked it. It focused on his portraits, thus the title David Hockney; Portraits seemed very appropriate. One of the things that was nice was that the artist lives and has worked extensively in Los Angeles. For any of my San Francisco (or other) friends who believe that LA is a vast wasteland of culture with intermittent surfing here is some proof to the existence of great artistry. I also got to know the name and professions of several of the customers who used to be regulars at Spago during my tenure there, as they showed up as subjects in several of Hockney’s paintings. Which is it’s own weird circular Path of fame/art/commerce. The collection is going to Europe but if it makes it to your city or town it’s worth the price of admission.

            In a separate side note the Ethiopian food at last nights Rasika Mathur roast was delicious but did not ingratiate me to the Pilates class this A.M. (For those of you unfamiliar with Ethiopian food or aerobic group activities that’s a flatulence reference.) The roast went much better than I had expected insult humor is a very delicate thing and with Rasika’s (traditional Indian) parents in attendance and the requisite testing of boundaries that is good humor writing it could have been a train wreck but all the roaster’s struck a nice balance. And a good time was had by all.