Swamp Elective

Further investigation of the plot to bomb the Sears Tower, in Chicago, have revealed that the seven men charged with the crime never got past the planning stages. Meaning that they were as likely to bomb something, as you were to start that band in college. “Dude, Bong Patrol is a killer band name and I’ve got a list around here with some awesome song titles too (exits and reenters a minute later with scrap of paper) “Dis my dishes not, baby”, “Heaven’s for Exploding Space Dust” That one’s like a long jam out thing And “Flattery will get you in my Pants”

One of Andy Warhol’s wigs fetched $10,800 at auction this week prompting one critic to comment, “I don’t get it the wig was made in a factory, in a really common style, by dozens of different people…come to think of it so was all of Andy’s artwork.”

Katherine McPhee announced that she struggled with bulimia due to the high pressure of “American Idol” auditions. She has also struggled recently with not having her name in the paper every day.

It was revealed on Friday that, in addition to tapping the nations phones, the government has been spying on confidential financial databases. The administration defended the intrusion by saying, “If you haven’t been giving money to Al Queda… or Democrats you have nothing to worry about.”

The Supreme Court, on Monday, began hearing arguments on a case to determine how much the federal government should do to prevent the emission of “Greenhouse Gasses.” Conservatives argue that government has no place in environmental issues as the environment has nothing to do with a women’s uterus.

According to The Homeland Security director Michael Chertoff his Department is no “24.” They have to deal with real bad guys, no one dresses very well, and let’s face it the FBI doesn’t even have e-mail.

    Sounds like a B-Grade porn film, no? And if it actually is, please don’t tell me about it, I’m busy right now thinking how clever that was. Furthermore, if Fluffernutter has any connotation in the Dirty Sanchez, Rusty Trombone, Cleveland Steamer realm please spare me the details.  If you are somehow on the internet and have managed to avoid all of these perversities/jokes I salute you.
    But to anyone from the greater New England area Fluffernutter is a fine afternoon treat composed of two slices of white bread (naturally), peanut butter, and Marshmallow Fluff. Just this week a Massachusetts legislator became alarmed that his son was served a Fluffernutter as part of a school lunch and was compelled to write a law removing said sandwich from the school lunch program. Now, I don’t think that it’s a good idea to serve whipped sugar syrup to little people (mostly because the people who serve the sandwiches don’t have to spend the next hour and a half peeling the little sugar-crazed munchkins off the ceiling – due to the fact that recess is now 4 and a half minutes long and includes a test mid-way through.) But is genuine imitation grape jelly any better?
    Bottom line “Son your mother and I think it would be better if you brought your lunch to school here’s a sack of nutritious deliciousness for you to take and consume at the appropriate meal period.”
    Make more parking spaces, find more qualified teachers, provide clean water to orphans but don’t spend valuable time writing school lunch menus or the kids will just go back to eating lead paint chips like we did in the old days.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/5119394.stm
    Seriously? If the administration’s strategy depends on the element of surprise, than we are so fucked. I’m pretty sure that Osama bin Laden knows the United States is looking for him. I think a reasonable person might assume that’s why he is hiding. C’mon even Pakistan, who pretty much knows where he is, is kinda looking for him.
    Do they really think that the evildoers aren’t on to the fact that we are monitoring bank transactions or phone calls? Or do they think that they have demonstrated such incompetence so far that most individuals just figure they won’t be caught because of sheer stupidity. I assume anything I do is monitored or at least monitor-able (provided I’m not wearing my tinfoil hat.) Why do we think these super-villains are so naive?
    It reminds me of the Mark Furman Dichotomy (for those unfamiliar with the concept I will explain) he’s either so incompetent that he can’t take a blood sample from point A) to point B) without getting chocolate and/or peanut butter in it. Or he is an evil genius who transcends rules of time and space and can plant evidence anywhere at a moments notice to frame random members of various ethnic groups. But you can’t have it both ways.
    Following the MFD Al Qeada are ultra sophisticated multilayered terror-employing global n’er-do-wells who might have some inkling that electronic financial records can be monitored or they are super primitive gangsters that can be defeated if we just stay quiet and hide behind the couch. (Word of caution: pee first, nothing puts pressure on a bladder like a game of hide-and-seek or international espionage.)

    Several people have suggested that I should have a more bloggy blog. (And not just mostly post my left over medley jokes.) So here it is.
    I’m planning on going back to Cape Cod at the end of the month and I always have such a rush of feelings around my yearly trip. On one hand it’s “home” and I feel all warm and fuzzy about things like this: the Woods Hole drawbridge that allows boats to come into and out of Eel Pond. That building on the right is the Woods Hole Community Center where I first learned how much fun it could be to have people laugh at you… or with you. Through the drawbridge and just out of view are the boats that take visitors to Martha’s Vineyard and Nantucket.
    On the other hand all these things are familiar and part of me but they are no longer “mine.” And when I return to Los Angeles it still doesn’t fit that this is “home” even though I have lived here for 9 years. All just odd ill fitting garments these. But I will be there for the Woods Hole Film festival comfy or no.

The Congress debated several non-binding referenda this week. One resolution on Iraq was voted down mostly along party lines while a second one making November 15th “Funny Hat day” was approved unanimously.

President Bush arrived in Vienna on Tuesday for talks with his European Union counterparts the generally cool welcome was marked by terse opening statements, a lackluster sing along and Belgium short sheeting the President’s bunk.

Congress has decided to put off immigration debate until such time as they can convince 11 million migrants to pick our lettuce, look after our kids and wash our dishes and then leave.

Two American soldiers missing since Friday were found tortured to death in Iraq. When contacted for comment Donald Rumsfeld instinctively said he had no knowledge of the abuse.

A video allegedly showing singer R Kelly having sex with an underage girl is to be shown in a US court. Viewing has been delayed while Kelly records the final mix of the background vocals.

Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi, killed in an airstrike on Wednesday, initially survived the bombing and died of his wounds while in custody. According to a spokesman “ He survived just long enough for a beleaguered yet plucky, world-weary GI of indiscriminant ethnic origins to tell him, “Tell Osama he’s next.” (Or similar uplifting patriotic action-movie climactic catch-phrase.)

In New York on Saturday a new statue was unveiled honoring the Firefighters who lost their lives on 9/11. The bronze relief sculpture contains a montage of scenes that day, the most popular being one of a fireman beating Ann Coulter with a shovel.

A survey has shown, people in European and Muslim countries see US policy in Iraq as a bigger threat to world peace than Iran’s nuclear program. US officials have been so angered by the news that they said they would bomb and torture them.

A new study shows that an ingredient in beer can help ward off prostate cancer, although it would take 17 beers at once for it to have any effect. There has been no comment yet on why anyone is funding research that includes shoving a beer bong up someone’s ass.

The Indian government has ordered MTV to broadcast an apology after receiving complaints from viewers about objectionable music videos broadcast by the channel. They will also be asked to pay $25 million in damages for giving a career to Pauly Shore.

In his radio address President Bush outlined his support for a Constitutional Marriage Amendment the bill has no hope of passing but proponents thought Evangelical voters might be too busy hunting down immigrants and burning Biology textbooks to make it to the polls.

Anna Nicole Smith is pregnant she is not revealing details about who the father in other than the facts that he not over 80, not a millionaire, and not Kevin Federline.

Marines in Iraq are finally tracing back the details of the tragedy in Haditha that left 12 civilians dead. According to officials on the ground several of the youngsters had “Sudden Infant Spontaneous Head-wound disease and the rest of the family must have contracted it from them.”

Republican Senator, and chairman of the armed services committee, John Warner has called for a Senate hearing on the incident in Haditha. This will be the first time in 5 years the congress has engaged in something called; oversight.

Under a law signed Monday by Gov. Jeb Bush, Florida high school students will have to declare majors and minors, just as college students do. He said, “This is to figure out who the Philosophy weirdoes and Drama fags are so they can have the crap kicked out of them as efficiently as possible.”

A rock carving discovered in Arizona might depict an ancient star explosion seen by Native Americans a thousand years ago, scientists announced today. Though many natives are skeptical as the artist name on the sculpture translates as, “Wild Eyes; or Fists full of Peyote.”

This week Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld visited Vietnam so that historians at The University of Ho Chi Min City can explain to him how the Iraq War is going to end.

This week Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld visited Vietnam due to the fact that he is the only member of the administration who couldn’t get someone important to pull some strings and get him out of it.

Keanu Reeves told Parade Magazine that he would like to get married if he could just find a nice, simple girl… with a penis.

In his press conference with Tony Blair on Thursday President Bush said the question about the Iraq war was, “Is the sacrifice worth it?” To which he said, “Of course it is.” This is, Of course, based on the fact that no one he knows personally has actually made one.

Former Enron boss Ken Lay is trying to get the University of Missouri to give back $1.1 million he donated for a chair in economics. The University has instead offered to match the gift to start a Department of Self Delusion offering a major in Too Fucking Bad.

A physician at a Florida retirement community is reporting a higher incidence of sexually transmitted diseases there than in the entire City of Miami. “It seems to be a result of poor sex education, Viagra, and all you can drink Tequila Fridays.”

Pope Benedict XVI visited the former Nazi death camps of Auschwitz and Birkenau. In his comments he stuck mostly to his teachings of Christ and lets make John Paul II a saint material and shied away from his “when I was a Hitler youth” anecdotes.

Fighting continues in East Timor despite the fact that few Americans know where it is and most don’t care.

Professor John Brookfield, a specialist in evolutionary genetics at the University of Nottingham, told the UK Press Association that his team, which included a philosopher and chicken farmer, have determined that the egg preceded the chicken, answering the question of what came first. No word as yet as to why said chicken crossed the road.

After suffering years of neglect the turn-of-the-century amusement destination known as Coney Island is slated for a $1 billion face lift. The construction project will follow plans originally developed for an older amusement icon; Cher.

Elizabeth Taylor on Tuesday dismissed tabloid reports that she was being treated for early Alzheimer’s disease or was gravely ill. She insisted that her recent behavior was the result of those little purple men putting mixing bad things in with her Demerol.

Michael Jackson visited a Tokyo orphanage but left empty handed saying he was just browsing.

Washington is still reeling from the announcement that Henry M. Paulson has been nominated to replace Treasury Secretary John W. Snow. In just his 264th such appointment Bush has chosen someone who is not a life-long friend or a Texan, and may very well be the best-qualified person for the job.