Swamp Elective

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist announced that the FCC would increase the maximum fine for indecency 10 times to $325,000. Because the Republican leadership has learned through torture and wire-tapping that Al Queda is controlled by Janet Jackson’s right breast.

A United Nations’ panel has recommended that the prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba be closed due to the fact that hurricane season in the Caribbean is approaching and that the Chinese can torture twice the number of prisoners for half the price.

Any chance at a Triple Crown were nixed when Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro came up lame right out of the gate at the Preakness Stakes also coming up lame; horseracing. (It’s the sport of kings go figure why there’s 50 NASCAR trailers surrounded by drunken hillbillies.)

On Monday President Bush said he sees the US playing more of “a support role in Iraq.” Of course the first thing they are going to need to support is the new 107 acre US Embassy in Baghdad which is the only public works project that is any where near complete.

A new audiotape from Osama bin Laden claims that accused 20th highjacker Zacarias Moussaoui had nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks. Said Osama “It’s like letting Yoko Ono take credit for the “White Album” it’s just crazy talk.”

Madonna is back and her tour stopped at Los Angeles’ Forum on Monday night. Always the lightning rod for controversy Madonna, at one point in the show, dons a thorny crown and reenacts a crucifixion. Protesters are up in arms that the pop star would dare to compare herself to Kaye West.

1988 Vice Presidential candidate and former Texas Senator Lloyd Bentsen has passed away he is famous for his “You sir are no Jack Kennedy” line in the vice presidential debate. Little did he know that just a few short years later the current President would make Dan Quayle look like Stephen Hawking with out the wheel-chair.

CIA director Porter Goss resigned suddenly, on Friday, amid loud speculation over his reason. At the hastily arranged press conference Goss, “ I am stepping down due to my gross incompetence not anything to do with influence peddling and hookers.”

And finally, Lillian Gertrud Asplund, the last American survivor of the sinking of the Titanic in 1912, has died. She had no children but she is survived by the most annoying Movie theme song of all time.

Andy Garcia and Marc Anthony were honored with special tributes at an award ceremony for Hispanic artists. Compared to other recent award shows the event was slightly darker, more brooding, and covered with thick hair.

After being submerged for 7 days magician David Blaine reported his body was riddled with “sharp, shooting pains” many observers have wondered if there were a way to increase the pain enough to make him stop this shit.

Mission Impossible 3 opened to lower than expected revenues grossing only $48 million at the box office. This has lawyers scrambling to determine if Tom Cruise power outage means that Katie doesn’t have to marry the nut-job and if she can just take the baby and the money or shave a few years off the deal.

Time magazine reports that new chief of staff Josh Bolton’s shake-up of White House personnel is part of a five-part plan to remake the White House. Next up New drapes in the Oval Office and replacing Donald Rumsfeld with a potted fern.

Cuba, China and Saudi Arabia are among states to be elected to the new UN Human Rights Council. Despite protests Tr5ansylvania, Ball Bustistan, and Rapelandia were left off the list.

Upon hearing that Sony’s Playstation 3 will retail for $499 hundreds of gamers nation-wide have made plans to sublet their parent’s basements to finance the purchase.

The New York Times reports that Democrats are increasingly hopeful about their chances in this year’s mid-term elections. Long-time observers, however, worry that soon one of them might actually say something.

The President of Mexico announced on Tuesday that his government is decriminalizing small amounts of drugs. He also unveiled a new tourism ad campaign; spring break in Ft. Lauderdale is for pussies!

A Reuter’s poll claims that Fox News is the most “trusted” news source in the U.S. respondents claim “it is because they tell us the news we already know to be true.”

The new CW network, formed by the merger of WB and UPN, is making programming decisions that will be crucial to attracting its prime audience of teenagers and young adults. Like this months premier “Naked Booze-Hound Car Race Laser Tag.”

The head of a charitable organization was found guilty of embezzling from the organization in order to pay a dominatrix to abuse him. The jury is now deadlocked over the punishment phase of the trial because the defendant keeps smiling and nodding furiously.

On Wednesday, China’s official Catholic church installed a bishop without Vatican approval. In retaliation the Vatican installed a garish ceiling fan, broke all of their china and urinated on a dim sum cart.

On her 80th birthday this week Queen Elizabeth said she would reign, “until the day she dies” not out of any pride but because Prince Charles is, “such a daft wanker.”

John Travola and Jennifer Lopez have been signed to appear in the big screen re-make of the TV soap “Dallas.” Travola has been tapped to play J.R. while J. Lo’s ass will stand in for Southfork.

Amid much international scrutiny and local police security Haiti’s parliamentary elections were reported to be “going slowly” with most citizens only voting once. Some say previous election’s machete attacks may have been a contributing factor.

Drawing inspiration from Iraqis ten’s of thousands of New Orleans citizens made Herculean efforts to vote in elections, this week, in a city that remains an uninhabitable wasteland due to government incompetence.

Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden called on Muslim fighters to go to Sudan to wage war against “crusader thieves,” according to a new audiotape attributed to him. Currently the tape is only available as a download or podcast but should be in stores by the weekend.

A letter from General George Washington to the Commonwealth of Massachusetts asking for payment of all debts to the Army surfaced this week and was returned to the states historical archives. The message failed to be delivered originally due to a “disgruntled pony express carrier and incident with a musket in the break room.”

After more than half a century of hostility, China and the Roman Catholic Church have inched within reach of normal relations. Meaning that 10 million Catholic Chinese will be able to worship more freely and over 40 billion little plastic Jesus’ will soon become available worldwide.

President Bush marked Earth Day with a renewed call for greater government incentives for the development and use of vehicles powered by hydrogen fuel cells and other alternatives to gasoline. Then he jumped in his heavily armored Hummer and rode 400 ft. to a baby seal-clubbing contest.

The Black Eyed Peas will headline a benefit concert next month in Johannesburg to raise awareness for their charity foundation in the region and because audiences there are the only ones who haven’t seen the group 25 times in the past 18 months.

Iranian women will be allowed to attend soccer matches for first time since the country’s 1979 Islamic revolution. They will, however, not be allowed to show their faces or cheer too loudly but spitting at the referees will be permitted.

For the pain of losing an eye and going through 21 operations since she was maimed by a blast at an abortion clinic, Emily Lyons received her share of the restitution paid by bomber, Eric Rudolph: $57.69. Upon reciept of the check Pat Robertson proclaimed that Lyons had gone from being, “just a slut to being a full-on whore.”

The record Atlantic hurricane season last year, that included Hurricane Katrina as the costliest ever, can be attributed to global warming, several top experts said on Monday. In response the White House released a 25 page document that definitively proves that scientist don’t exist.

Britany Spears spokesman confirmed, this week, that the pop star is expecting baby number two. And like all expectant mothers celebrated Las Vegas’ all you can drink margarita fountain.