Swamp Elective

Riots erupted in France after the government announced plans to loosen job protections that would make it easier to fire younger workers. Said one protester If we can be fired for ignoring stupid customers, making sarcastic comments to them, or smoking when we should be working then we are not France.

Former Attorney General John Ashcroft is now Washington’s newest lobbyist. In his former position at the justice department he oversaw the construction of the Department of Homeland Security and gained a reputation for his integrity. The same integrity he is now selling to the highest bidder.

President Bush on Monday signed a bill to raise the debt ceiling to $9 trillion. When asked to detail how he expected to repay the debt he started humming a Buddy Holly song and introduced a 9 year-old tap-dancing girl.

Duane ‘Dog’ Chapman is set to marry longtime sidekick Beth Smith in third season of ‘Bounty Hunter. The network also plans on having the couple adopt an adorable young niece or cousin, wrestle a bear and/or gang of crack-heads, and “come out” as gay.

French students and unions called for more demonstrations culminating in strikes next week to fight a hotly contested new labor law. The question on most people’s minds is how do you tell when a Frenchman is on strike and it was revealed that they take two fewer cigarette breaks.

Donald Trump’s wife gave birth to a boy on Sunday, not as some analysis had assumed the spawn of Satan.

Or Donald Trump’s wife gave birth to a boy on Sunday. The child was then whisked away by a team of nannies and the happy couple is looking forward to seeing him at his graduation from Phillips Andover Academy in June of 2024.

President Bush defended his strategy for the war in Iraq on Sunday and came as close as he ever has to admitting mistakes finally acknowledging that he has been the President for the last five years.

President Bush and Vice-President Cheney attacked those who characterize the violence in Iraq as a civil war as being “misinformed.” Amongt the misinformed speaking out on Sunday talk shows was former interim president of Iraq Ayad Allawi…Who said “If this isn’t a civil war God knows what is.”…FROM BAHDAD!

US retail giant Wal-Mart Stores said it plans to open 20 outlets in China this year that will employ 150,000 workers. Interestingly all the items for sale at the stores will be made in Mexico from human body parts.

Zacarias Moussaoui’s former roommate, Hussein al-Attas, testified that Moussaoui talked constantly about Jihad when they lived together. Which in case you didn’t know is a total buzz-kill when the hotties are in the hizzy.

The bird flu is expected to arrive in the U.S. later this year. The flu will kick off its U.S. tour in New York, do some dates across the country this summer, before succumbing to the inevitable drug problem by late August.

According to the FBI, many Federal Agents are forced to operate without their own email addresses, due to budget constraints. When it was noted that e-mail accounts are free The FBI Director blurted out, “We’re not giving back the pony!”

Prosecutors in Florida decided Tuesday to drop charges against a former Tampa teacher, Debra Lafave, accused of having sex with a 14-year-old middle-school student. The charges were dismissed when judge determined the suspect was definitely “do-able” And released the complainant with a high-five.

Fans of “Brokeback Mountain” who feel that the film failed to get a Best Picture Oscar because of the homosexual themes in the film spent $26,000 on ads in last Friday’s Variety. Thus proving that gay men are sore losers with way too much time and money on their hands. On Monday morning a new planet was discovered 9000 light-years from earth. By mid-day Tuesday all settlement and mineral right had been signed over to Hiliburton.

One of the issues being raised in the deal that would give control of several US ports to a Dubai based company is the United Arab Emirates boycott of Israel. Here to clarify is their spokesperson Pat El Jabuti, “We should be clear about this we at Dubai Ports World are not Anti-Israel we hate all Jews, everywhere.”

A Cameroon editor received a jail sentence and fine for defaming a minister by saying he was gay. The minister also wanted the editor to know that he will not be returning his Gucci loafers.

While in India last week President Bush met the guy who keeps calling and asking him to switch long distance companies.

The Bush administration is seeking a 30-day deadline for Tehran to halt its nuclear program and cooperate with international inspectors or face severe diplomatic pressures. Rather than draft a new resolution, however, they propose using Res. 404 crossing out the “Q” and putting in an “N”, substituting “nuclear reactor” for “chemical and biological weapons” and where it says “strong sanctions” instead say “endless US military occupation.”

The maker of BlackBerry wireless e-mail devices agreed yesterday to pay $612.5 million to resolve a long-running patent dispute. The manufacturer assured the people of Hollywood that none of their subscribers were in any danger of having to have and actual conversation with a real person any time soon.

During his farewell address to the people of India the President demonstrated his weak grasp of mid-east culture by referring to Pakistani’s as “Arabs” when he meant Muslim. Other things Bush can’t tell apart Sunni’s and Shia, gophers and ground hogs, tuna fish and ham.

Or
President Bush was booed during his last speech before departing India for Pakistan when he mistakenly called the Pakistani’s Arabs when he meant to call them terrorist.

Parents of very short children – and their family doctors – often consider growth hormones, hoping for a boost in height that also would boost a youngster’s confidence. Also effective not referring to them as, “those little morons of ours.”

The penalty phase of accused al-Qaeda member Zacarias Moussaoui got under way this week. Contrary to previous reports the so-called 20th hijacker will not be suspended in the air and beaten with broom sticks like a piñata by the 9/11 families. We apologize for any misunderstanding.

In our ongoing effort keep the “Big News” audiences entertained and informed, enlightened and delighted we present the latest installment of “Under the Radar” a segment intended to highlight less publicized events from the weeks news.
It’s surprisingly easy, these days, for seemingly large political happenings to go relatively unnoticed. Of course when you set the bar at shooting a guy in the face and forgetting to inform the authorities for 18 hours it’s understandable how lopping off major hunks of the Constitution falls by the wayside. That is why it doesn’t surprise me that President Bush’s call for a line item veto hasn’t managed to push the shock of gay-themed cowboy movie awards show letdown out of the water-cooler spotlight.
President Bush, as you may remember from our last episode or episodes 1-164, has been the architect of the largest budget deficit in the history of the world (a fact made more mind boggling when you realize he started with a surplus.) And just this last week has decided to “exercise some fiscal discipline” to reign in out of control spending. The congress who have rubberstamped everything the President has requested have gotten into the nasty habit of adding items into bills that might actually benefit the people they were sent to Washington to serve! So our fearless leader who has never once vetoed a whole bill now needs the authority to remove specific items from legislation. But don’t worry this is the trust me I know what’s best for everybody because I talk to God President he would never use a line item veto to punish specific lawmakers. Would He?
And even more obscure. From their first day in office this administration has been systematically going through the National Archives and reclassifying documents that have heretofore been public in an effort to manipulate what the public can access as our collective “history. Now my initial instinct is to cry fascism but I’ve done a little research on this and they just don’t have the snazzy uniforms for it dark suits and Brooks brothers ties just don’t cut it when your competing with Mussolini but maybe next year.

Having grown up in the United States with my formative years coinciding with the Reagan years I have more poseur patriotism right under the surface than I am usually willing to admit. Like when the newspapers says that Kim Jong Ill is “threatening us with nuclear weapons.” There is a part of me that thinks, what does he have 6 nukes? HA! Choose your target carefully my strange little platform shoe wearing weirdo ‘cause you may take out a half million with a lucky shot but there is nothing like annihilating a culture to bring Americans together. Native Americans, Nazis, North Koreans no matter once we get the hatred machine warmed up you are toast! And in that I take some sort of badly malformed pride.
America is a great and wondrous nation but what no one can deny us is our ability to kill lots of other people quickly and efficiently when we really set our minds to it. We are an incredibly strong and ill-tempered child.
“My dad can beat up your dad” it was a fight we never really wanted to see but it was important that we felt secure in that way. My dad could beat up your dad if he had to. Couldn’t he? Which leaves us with the question of the ages “if he had to” for a parking space, for a couple of bucks for “honor?” It’s best not to ask yourself these questions not because they are not valid but because Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney can hear what you’re thinking.
Now if you will excuse me my tinfoil hat has just been sent back from the cleaning and repair guys. (If you don’t keep it clean it gets feedback from the listener and you can’t type.)

Celebrations to mark the 20th anniversary of the overthrow of Ferdinand Marcos in the Philippines have been canceled and a state of emergency has been declared. Also cancelled was a tour of Iraq called “The joys of US occupational democracy and dance revue” scheduled for later this week.

A Chinese orphanage director and nine other people have been given jail sentences for buying and selling dozens of babies who were then adopted abroad. Officials are also looking for this woman for questioning. (Pic. of Angelina Jolie)

Researchers, in San Francisco, said Friday that they have identified a virus in the prostates of some cancer patients, a remarkable discovery that may suggest disease could play a role in causing this cancer. Within 5 hours of the announcement of their findings a line formed around the block for free prostate exams.

The Army charged seven members of the 82nd Airborne Division with engaging in sex acts in videos shown on a gay pornography Web site. Said one of the accused, “I have read the don’t ask don’t tell policy and it does not say anything about videotaping”

Apolo Anton Ohno won gold in the 500 meters speed-skating event Saturday. After the race he thanked his coaches and apologized for breaking up the Beatles.

In analyzing the chance for democrats to win back 5 or 6 Governor’s races this fall Howard Dean said, “This is going to be a national election if I have anything to do with it.” Because as Chairman of the DNC Dr. Dean is still not sure whether he will to be involved or not.

In a speech on Wednesday President Bush announced that he was “not satisfied with the federal response to Hurricane Katrina.” He added that if he ever finds out who’s in charge of the federal government he’ll have the guy fired.

Leading conservative reporters are saying that Vice President Dick Cheney will retire shortly after the mid-term elections. Sources close to the administration also say that the CIA hasn’t entirely ruled out a fatal heart attack or a “Kennedy-type thing.”

President Bush traveled to India this week amongst the issues he wishes to discuss with the Prime minister are: Relations with Pakistan, Indian Casinos, and whether they knew Jack Abrahmoff.