Swamp Elective

Recently civil rights leader Coretta Scott King was laid to rest in Atlanta. Many of those participating in the memorial felt moved to continue her legacy, at the service, by pointing out the failures of the current administration in fulfilling Ms. King’s vision of social justice.
And somehow Rush Limbaugh, Matt Drudge, and Sean Hannidy felt that they have a better idea of how to protect the King legacy and greater respect for what she would have wanted than the reverend who founded the Christian Leadership council with Dr. King. They also claim to know better than her family and dozens of other folks who actually knew and/or had ever met the woman! These men who are in sworn opposition to everything she fought for speak to the American people as authorities on proper mourning conduct.
This all points to one thing, a legal remedy. Just like a prenuptial agreement or a do not resuscitate order each of us should sit down and spell out exactly who and what can be discussed at our funerals. It’s the ultimate in anal-retentive control freak planning!
To whom it may concern feel free to pillory any hatful moron who claims Christian superiority to ruin my favorite country. You can use my ashes to poison his food. Or use and body part you care to for a practical joke, for that matter you can shake my now lifeless pecker in his face if you think it will make one whit of difference. Most importantly have fun, take risks, laugh really really hard and please no carnations. This is important people, do it for the children!

A recent study of Middle Eastern attitudes revealed that although many citizens hate the US it is not as had previously been thought because of our freedom it’s more because of the beatings, killings, and degradation of their culture.

After Harry Whittington was released from the hospital, last, week he apologized for all the trouble he had caused Dick Cheney. This week following that example Iraqi’s apologized to the US military for getting their faces in the way of all those bullets.

The Muslim world continues to be outraged over Danish depictions of the prophet Mohammed. Violence spread to the African nation of Nigeria where 16 people were killed in a cartoon protest after being struck with Acme Anvils. (Gonk)

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced this week that the United States is lagging far behind al Qaeda and other enemies in spreading its message in the digital age. He went on to announce the new web-site the DOD will host called WWW.werenotthebigdicksyouthinkweare.org.

History was made this week at the Olympics. Shani Davis became the first African American athlete to win a gold medal in the Winter Games it then took only a record 23 seconds before NBC commentators called him “the Michael Jordan of speed skating.”

Los Angeles Sheriff Lee Baca defended his decision to strip prisoners naked to prevent further prison riots. He was unable to comment, however, on why the inmates were issued tap shoes and water pistols.

Last Saturday The Rolling Stones performed a free concert at the Copacabana beach in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. All the members of the band are quite old and Keith Richards has been known to take a lot of drugs.

A woman accused of killing her 10-month-old daughter felt that God was commanding her to cut off the baby’s arms. In cross-examination God said he only meant it metaphorically.

Vice President Cheney said Thursday night that the verdict is in: Tax cuts boost federal government revenue. What he failed to mention was that calculation doesn’t include the record federal debt and that the revenue is paid entirely by the working poor.

Two California Highway patrol officers have been charged with shooting and killing alligators while helping out in the aftermath of hurricane Katrina. In their defense the officers said that the alligators did look black.

A compromise ironed out in the Senate has all but assured the renewal of the Patriot Act. Amongst the new provisions government officials can no longer laugh, take pictures, or “wear festive hats” during random cavity searches.

Adventurer Steve Fossett completed the longest nonstop flight in aviation history with an emergency landing Saturday, flying 26,389 miles in about 76 hours. He’s now undecided on whether to turn his attention to hot dog eating contests or just being crazy and filthy rich.

A draft report was issued on Wednesday that outlined the government’s failure during and after Hurricane Katrina a spokesperson said, “Many of the recommendations are identical to the ones made by the 911 commission and we’ve been ignoring those for over a year now. Some of the newer item we’re going to have to read through but all indications are that we will be ignoring those by early March at the latest.”

Sir Ian McKellen has said openly gay US actors are prevented from having successful Hollywood careers. And if they weren’t Scientology would have gone out of business years ago.

A new Government Accountability Office study released on Monday revealed that the Bush administration has spent $1.62 billion on public relations. They noted that did not include the budget for FOX news, which is paid for separately.

An estimated 13 million Americans tuned in to watch the first night of the Winter Olympics from Turin, Italy. And not one of them can tell you why.

According to Scott McClellan, “The president elects to stay focused on what he thinks are his priorities and the American people’s priorities.” Of course since he doesn’t know any American people personally he pretty much has to take Karl Rove’s word for it on what they want.

While we were all mesmerized by the big events of last week like “Did Brad and Angelina really plan to have a baby before the divorce was final?” “Which Super bowl commercial was the best?” and “Who would have the distinct privilege of adorning J. Lo’s copious caboose with flattering fabric for this weeks Grammy awards?” (I have my fingers crossed for Vera Wang) Several stories seem to have “flown under the radar” of the Main Stream Media.
These are my personal favorites but something tells me we could fill a whole empty Ethics Committee office space with similar items.
After the whole Jack Abrahmoff mess the administration is so sensitive to even the mere appearance of impropriety that they filled the opening on the FCC board with a former tele-communications lobbyist! That’s right the FCC’s newest board members used to have to pay for public policy now he just gets to make it. Cannot for the life of me figure out how Fox News missed that one.
The second one is a connect the dots game that goes something like this. On Wednesday of last week President Bush in his State of the Union address said that he wanted to hire 70, 000 new math and science teachers. On Monday his budget was released decreasing spending on education (insert your favorite Bush bad at math joke here) but it was a good idea for the four days in between and I’m sure lots of children benefited from the good cheer and optimism spread by the State of the Union address.

The Danish company Arla has placed advertisements in Middle Eastern newspapers to try to stop a boycott of Danish produce in Muslim countries. A spokesman for the company said, “It appears that in some Middle Eastern Countries there are some people who are quite religious, and they are not favoring the depiction of their prophet Mohammad as a terrorist for the purpose of fun-making and the selling of dairy products. And we are now knowing this.”

A US court-martial in Afghanistan has found an American soldier guilty of mistreating two prisoners at a military base in Uruzgan province. In response Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld sent out his 103rd “I’m shocked and saddened” press release.

The Senate will vote this year on a constitutional amendment backed by President Bush to ban same-sex marriage, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist) said Friday. And if that doesn’t work we’ll just have to start raising the terror alert level until it does.

John Kerry received weak support for his call for fellow Democrats to filibuster the nomination of Samuel Alito. Most Democrats were surprised by the move not because they don’t agree with Kerry but because they have trouble staying awake when he speaks.

Scientist this week discovered that antibodies derived from chimpanzees may help treat smallpox.

And finally Coretta Scott King wife of civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. passed away on Monday the surviving family members have asked, respectfully, that in her honor members of the Democratic party say nothing.

UN Chief Cofi Annan has stated that if, Hamas does not pledge that the funds will be spent on terrorism; all international financial aid to Palestine will be revoked. A Hamas spokesman said, “We promise not to spend one red cent of the UN money for terrorism. We have an elimination of Israel savings account and Yasir Arrafat left us some money, we’ll use that.”

Activist Cindy Sheehan was arrested last night after demonstrating inside the House of Representatives gallery as part of a larger war protest that was held outside the Capitol. She was released on bail into the custody of Andy Warhol who officially declared her 15 minutes over.

A former postal worker who had been put on medical leave for psychological problems shot five people to death at a huge mail-processing center. Her superiors first became suspicious when she insisted upon being referred to as a, “disgruntled Postal Worker.”

Karl Rove offered a biting preview of the 2006 midterm elections Friday, drawing sharp distinctions with the Democrats over the campaign against terrorism, tax cuts and judicial philosophy, and describing the opposition party as backward-looking and bereft of ideas. Senate minority leader Harry Ried offered a tersely worded rebuke refuting the claims and then begged for forgiveness an hour later.

The Sundance Film Festival kicked off this week so studio executives could pretend they like “thoughtful” movies and then rope some 23 year-old wunderkind into directing Police Academy 7”

Bible scholars have confirmed that text appearing in recent popular magazines indeed portends the arrival of the third horse of the apocalypse it reads, “Presented by executive producer Ashton Kutcher”

In weather news, temperatures across Russia have held steady at minus twenty-five degrees for over a week now and the cold snap has claimed ninety lives. Not to be outdone Southern California issued a wind advisory.