Swamp Elective

A genetic study indicates about 3.5 million of today's Ashkenazi Jews — about 40 percent of the total Ashkenazi population — are descended from just four women. Forever destroying the myth that Jewish girls don’t put out. Members of a Defense Department investigative task force were told not to participate in aggressive interrogation techniques approved for use at the U.S. military prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Translation: some people were told not to engage in the torture we don’t commit. Judiciary Chairman Arlen Specter told reporters that the senate would look into the NSA spying issue saying, “"Just because we're of the same party doesn't mean we're not going to look at this closely. It only means we’re not going to find anything wrong with it " A museum dedicated to literary giants of the Beat generation has opened in the San Francisco neighborhood where the movement took off 50 years ago. 4000 word single spaced run-on sentence of a review of the opening party can be purchased in the gift store. Just days ahead of the expected vote on Samuel Alito’s Supreme Court appointment democrats realize that as a minority party that doesn’t hold the White House there isn’t fuck-all they can do. In an historic move just three years after the genocide in the Darfur region of Sudan commenced the UN is looking at the possibility of setting aside a room, to vote on a discussion (of a non-binding nature) of whether a paper should be drafted concerning a position on wholesale slaughter and if such talks should begin before or after the water cooler on the 4th floor gets “the special filter.” The Bush administration is defending itself against criticism that it has not followed through on promises to lead a vigorous campaign to reform the United Nations. As it turns out no one at the UN like John Bolton either. After becoming the first lawmaker fingered by super lobbyist Jack Abramoff. Rep. Robert W. Ney (R-Ohio) announced yesterday he would temporarily relinquish his chairmanship of the House Administration Committee, which oversees lobbying. Hit hardest by the news were rats who guard cheese, foxes who guard hen houses, and rich republicans. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are expecting a baby doctor’s predict that the child will be beautiful, spoiled, and have a three picture deal before you get a walk on “Who Dropped the Soap.” On the 300 anniversary of Benjamin Franklin’s birth people are planning a variety of celebrations the Smithsonian is planning a tribute to his statesmanship, the city of London will have an exhibit of his medical contributions, and the French are planning an orgy and dirty limerick contest. After being sworn into office New Jersey’s new governor Jon Corzine promised to “Clean up [the state’s] politics” he asked all “public servants to join him in this historic effort” and join him for a few drinks at his office above the Bada-Bing nightclub. Cue: Woke up this morning

A catholic Bishop in Detroit has revealed that he was himself molested as a youngster. “I don’t want to exaggerate the terrible damage that many of the victims have suffered or make comparisons but, I’ve seen bigger.” Judiciary Committee Chairman Arlen Specter opened his questioning of Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito with questions of super-precedents and super-duper precedents he then went on to ask if his Underoos protected him against cooties, had a juice box and took a knap. President Bush warned Americans yesterday that they can expect to see more violence in Iraq. “We should welcome this for what it is: freedom in action." He then showed pictures of the gaping head wound of freedom, the severed limb of democracy and the disembowel corpse of liberty. The U.S. men's skeleton team's top competitor, Zach Lund, was suspended after a positive drug test at a World Cup event last month. Thus killing any chance of him cashing in on that lucrative endorsement money that all Winter Olympic athletes get. The final installment of the Star Wars prequels was a big winner at the People's Choice Awards this weekend. Surprising until you realize that voting was done by computer, from basements all over the country. Michael Eisner is scheduled to host a talk show on CNBC this spring. Apparently there are still some people that don’t hate him and he is convinced he can change that. Tourism Ministry spokesman Ido Hartuv said Israel would not sign a contract with Pat Robertson to build a biblical theme park by the Sea of Galilee. After the televangelist claimed Ariel Sharon’s stroke was divine retribution. Suppliers have no idea what they will do with the 4000 ft tall Jesus coaster now under construction.

In Nigeria this week a potentially vast oil reserve was discovered, prompting United States officials to condemn President or Prince What-his-name as an evildoer and pledge to bring the impoverished nation democracy as soon as more tests are done. Fierce rainstorms have inundated Northern California and caused massive flooding. Pat Robertson and Bill O’Reilly are planning a joint news conference, later in the week, to explain just why God did this. The Justice Department disclosed Friday that it was investigating who had leaked classified information about President Bush's top-secret domestic spying program. In a related story investigations have also been launched on: Who revealed Tom DeLay’s favorite musical, what Karl Rove has on his iPod, and why ham is so yummy. Starbucks has won a two-year legal fight in China after a court found that a local coffee store chain had violated its copyright. The coffee company will receive $62,000 or roughly the cost of 12 grande lattes. President Bush began the new year on Sunday, in San Antonio Texas, at the bedsides of wounded servicemen and women. He pledged to them that if he ever figured out how this happened to them, he would do something about it. A recent survey shows that the newly opened MTA Orange Line has sped up traffic along the 101 corridor by 8 minutes to giving Los Angeles drivers 8 extra minutes to apply lipstick, make right hand turns from the left lane and slow down to dial their phones. Philadelphia PA held it’s annual “Mummers Parade” continuing a tradition that goes back to colonial days. 10,000 men dressed up in women’s clothing, got highly intoxicated and danced in the streets or as they call it in West Hollywood; Sunday. Conservatives have launched an attack on the Barbie doll claiming that an on-line poll for 4-8 year-olds breeds “gender confusion…and promotes the homosexual agenda.” In response they have started production on the Christian, barefoot and pregnant Bambie Doll. A study published this week says that young adults as well as teenagers drink more under the influence of advertising for alcoholic beverages. And twice as much if their brother is cool and their parents are out of town and “somebody” promises not to yack on the carpet again. Steve. Teen actress Lindsay Lohan has been hospitalized in Miami for treatment of a severe asthma attack. When reached for comment her publicist said, “She’s OK, she’s resting comfortably. She starts work in two weeks and this was in no way caused by smoking crack with Tara Ried.” D.C. Council member and former mayor Marion Barry yesterday urged two young men who robbed him at gunpoint Monday night to turn themselves in to police, promising that he would urge authorities not to prosecute them, right before they beat the living shit out of him. Lobbyist Jack Abramoff pleaded guilty to 3 counts of his indictment in exchange for providing evidence about members of Congress with whom he had dealings. Former client Tom DeLay refused to comment as he had trouble talking with a shot gun in his mouth. A police crackdown on public affection in India has revealed a yawning divide on notions of social mores. One older Indian man said. “It is fine for two young people to kiss one another in public but I draw the line at the finger banging on a crowded bus.” Ryan Seacrest, who turned 31 on Christmas Eve, and his Ryan Seacrest Productions have signed a $21-million contract with the E! cable network to develop, produce and host a variety of programs. Which begs the question, “Who did he blow?” Vice President Cheney said yesterday that the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks might have been prevented if the Bush administration had had the power to secretly monitor conversations involving two of the hijackers without court orders. Because apparently a memo called “Bin Laden determined to strike in US” was somehow obtuse.