Swamp Elective

Members of the Democratic Leadership Council last week warned their constituents not to be too optimistic about the current political environment. Spokesman: Public frustration with Iraq and Bush’s low approval ratings coupled with major scandals seem like major shifts but remember we’ve fucked up bigger opportunities than this! Hell we won a presidential election and then punted in over-time! A hospital in Switzerland has become the first to allow doctor assisted suicides for terminally ill patients. They also reminded citizens that being a mean old bat is not a terminal illness. The renewal of the Patriot Act was thrown in serious doubt his last week when members of the Senate blocked a vote on the law. According to the White House, safeguards have been put in place to protect innocent Americans. Meaning, the government can still do random cavity searches but they promise to use plenty of lube. Researchers have used a new biometric computer analysis to unlock the secret of Mona Lisa’s smile, which is said to be 83% happy, 9% disgusted, 6% fearful, and 2% angry. They then spent the rest of the afternoon ordering non-surgical herbal penis enhancements. Researchers have used a new biometric computer analysis to unlock the secret of Mona Lisa’s smile. It turns out the enigmatic expression is based on the surreptitious subjugation of women by the Catholic Church. Dick Cheney was in Afghanistan to witness the opening session of that country’s Parliament. According to Human Rights Watch, however, he could not stay long enough to see the opening of the CIA’s newest “Uncle Dick’s torture emporium.�? Socialist Evo Morales, who ran on a platform of legalizing cocaine production, is expected to be named Bolivia’s new president after a surprisingly strong showing in this Sunday’s election. Morales won over voters by working long hours, talking really fast, and supplying them with skinny white girls to have sex with. In his speech Sunday night President Bush said we were “winning the war in Iraq�? and for Americans to ignore those “quitters�? who lay blame. Unfortunately Mr. Bush wouldn’t say what winning meant, what portion of the game we might be in, who might have the ball and/or bat and if anyone else involved acknowledges that a game is taking place. New evidence suggests that insects make smart, instinctive dietary choices that strengthen their immune systems when they are battling infections. So if humans can learn anything from bugs it’s don’t eat dog shit when you’re sick. More revelations Tuesday about the FBI’s domestic spying revealed that PETA, Greenpeace and The Christian Workers organization were targeted for intense investigation. According to the FBI the Christian Workers believe in “a Communist redistribution of wealth and empowerment of the poor�? as dictated by a shadowy figure they refer to as; Jesus Christ! Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden may no longer be able to run the militant network, U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said on Wednesday. “I think it is interesting that we haven't heard from him for close to a year, No video, no tapes, not even a severed finger or cheese log for Christmas.�?

While Condoleeza Rice continues to use specific language to say that the United States does not transport prisoners for the purpose of torture. She refuses to rule out the possibility that 346 unnamed captives may have been tortured “accidentally." This week marks the passing of comedian Richard Prior. We here at Big News wish to acknowledge Mr. Pryor one of the funniest mother-fuckers ever. The conference on global climate change, in Montreal, finished up this week with very little to show for the effort. While most countries were debating what steps to take after the Kyoto agreement finishes in 2012. The US, who failed to sign the agreement, still refused to recognize that there is any such place as Antarctica. “Brokeback Mountain" topped the Golden Globe Nominations this week confirming conservative’s worst fears; the part of Holly wood that isn’t run by Jews, is run by Gays. Stanley “Tookie Williams became the 12th man put to death in California since the reinstatement of the death penalty in 1977." Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger denied Williams’ bid for clemency Monday and most observers acknowledged that this would never have happened if Gary Coleman were governor. Mary-Kate Olsen who recently left NYU told reporters, “ I need to be able to go to yoga and work out and just read scripts and go on auditions, because that's what makes me happy. You know? Like, papers don't really make me happy. That and the guy we were paying to write them was such a dork." According to published reports actor Colin Farrell has checked into rehab. In a related story Guinness stock dropped 13 pounds on the London Mercantile Exchange XM satalite radio has signed legendary songwriter Bob Dylan to host a one-hour radio show. The show will be offered as part of the basic $19.95 a month package but for an extra $5 a month you can get whatever Dylan says translated into English.

The congressional ethics committee has not met in over 12 months amid myriad scandals in the legislative branch. Further investigation revealed that the committee offices were being used to store office supplies, random parts from a ’78 Buick, and the arc of the covenant.

In Venezuela Hugo Chavez’s leftist party picked up a super-majority in the National assembly after all the opposition candidates withdrew from the race before the election. Said a Chavez spokesman, “Diebold touch-screens? We don’t need no stinking touch-screens.

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice had strong words for newly elected German Chancellor Angela Merkel explaining that although secret CIA flights did pass through Germany no laws were broken. She also denied that there would be a catfight or bitch slapping when she got to Germany.

After testing hair and skull fragments scientists have determined that Ludwig van Beethoven died of lead poisoning. So don’t be too hard on the kids even geniuses like to eat paint chips.

The federal government received failing and mediocre grades Monday from the former Sept. 11 commission. Though the commissioners did say they would give out extra credit if they didn’t fuck up any more countries before the end of the semester.

A recent discovery of two hull pieces from Titanic have led researchers to conclude that the ship sank, “five minutes after the sections broke free, much faster than previously thought. “It would have been immediately terrifying, just like being forced to listen to Celine Dion sing that song.

A powerful earthquake Monday toppled dozens of homes and buried children in rubble in eastern Congo. US officials responded that although they were sympathetic the recent spate of natural disasters coupled with the facts that Congo is poor black and doesn’t have much oil would mean that we wouldn’t do diddly.

The new film “Geisha” based on the novel “Memoirs of a Geisha” has inspired some interesting marketing “tie-ins” among them expensive shoes.
Spokesman: “It’s important that all the shoes be very classy and up-scale; and that they come in a in a men’s 12.

Researchers on the tiny Indonesian Island of Borneo have discovered what they believe to be a new species of mammal. The animal is slightly larger than a cat with red fur and a long tail. They are hoping to trap the animal so they can kill it and bulldoze its habitat for a new Wall-Mart.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were sighted at the Shanghai Circus World during a visit to China. Tom was in China to complete filming of “Mission: Impossible 3, Katie was there to make Tom look less gay.

Mel Gibson is planning a television miniseries about the Holocaust. Gibson said that the project, which has not started production yet, would make it abundantly clear that the genocide was perpetrated by the Romans.

Vice President Cheney told troops Tuesday that terrorists can win in Iraq only “if we lose our nerve and abandon our mission.” He then had the troops that if they clapped real loud that Tinkerbell would live.

In the trial of Zacarius Moussaoui federal prosecutors revealed that they intend to display, in court, the name and photograph of every victim of the September 11th terrorist attack. Not for any strategic reasons but because they’ve seen too many made for TV movies.

Republican Rep Randy “Duke? Cunningham has resigned as a member of congress after admitting to fraud, bribery and corruption charges. Some wonder whether other lawmakers will soon follow. Analyst: It might not be so easy to catch some of the others as most of them made at least some effort to hide their deeds. The US has condemned the arrests of 26 gay men during a raid on a party at a hotel in the United Arab Emirates earlier this month. A US Spokesman said, “Stripping them of their civil rights, Pointing, laughing and name-calling we understand but arresting them? That’s just not right.? The German government has taken the lead in condemning United States use of covert prisons in Europe. Apparently somebody’s really sensitive about secret prisons that are used for torture in Poland all of a sudden. (Hal coughs while saying Nazis) In a related story John Demjanjuk, A man accused of being a Nazi concentration camp guard during World War II says he should not be deported because he could face torture in his native Ukraine. Don’t worry John if your guilty I’m sure your torture could be arranged at any number of convenient locations. The Vatican has published a controversial document affirming its policy against gay priests. The priesthood will, however, still consist entirely of unwed men who wear funny hats and dresses. President Bush is turning his attention to “Immigration Reform? with speeches along the Mexican border. Suggesting that with all this emphasis on the war in Iraq maybe we’ve been forgetting to hate the brown people right in our own backyard. Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin’s government will be removed after a no confidence vote. Martin’s Liberal Party has been removed due to a scandal involving fraud and corruption. And Canadians think that’s a bad thing or have rules against it or something. Four kidnap victims were shown in a tape broadcast by Al Jazeera television three days after they were snatched in west Baghdad. The video was of poor quality but one segment clearly shows a child striking one hostage in the testicles with a wiffle-ball bat. They are seeking a $10,000 “Prize? from Bob Saget.