Swamp Elective

The Justice Department’s Civil Rights Division, which has enforced the nation’s anti-discrimination laws for nearly half a century, is being gutted by the Bush administration. Former employees said the final straw was the hiring of Mark Furman as general council.

Police in Virginia are looking for a woman they say robbed several banks while talking on her cell phone. So if you’re in a bank anytime soon and see a woman talking on a cell phone in front of you feel free to shoot her.

One of Saddam Hussein’s closest aides, Izzat Ibrahim al-Douri, died of cancer, a website run by members of Iraq’s former ruling Baath party says. It has yet to be determined if the cancer was caused by the briefcase of plutonium al-Douri has been carrying around for the last five years or not.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has delayed her return from the Middle East sighting “progress" on Israeli Palestinian peace issues, and the fact that both Ariel Sharon and Mahmoud Abas have higher approval ratings than George Bush.

The Department of Interior said today that the grizzly bear population that lives in the Yellowstone area has recovered and no longer needs protection under the Endangered Species Act. So load up the kids and a couple of shotguns for a “Kill Yogi for Christmas" trip.

Supreme Court Nominee Samuel Alito Jr. attempted to distance himself from his writing on abortion from 1985 saying. Alito: C’mon it was ’85 everyone was listening to Kagagoogoo, cheering to St Elmo’s Fire, and writing position papers demonizing unwed mothers and welfare cheats it’s just what you did.

The United States Senate is demanding regular reports on the progress of the War in Iraq forcing the Bush administration to drop it’s current “dude, just trust me everything is cool" policy.

Iraq’s government said today that it had ordered an urgent investigation of accusations that 173 detainees found in the basement of an Interior Ministry building had been tortured by their Iraqi captors. A White House spokesman said: We find these charges amazing and if true we have no choice but to leave the country. Who could have thought they were learning this stuff this fast we had no idea they were this good we’re so proud of them.

Actor Sacha Baron Cohen, famous for playing Ali G., is being sued by the Foreign Ministry of Kazakhstan for portraying them as “doltish drunks who act like buffoons�? with his character Borat. It is the first time on record that an entire nation has been found to be entirely devoid of irony.

The 14-year feud between Tyra Banks, and Naomi Campbell, is headed for a face-off on Friday’s nationally syndicated The Tyra Banks Show. Tyra said the stand off lasted so long because she just recently found out that Naomi Campbell was not married to David Bowie.

A conservative organization has filed a complaint against Sean "Diddy" Combs, contending the hip-hop mogul violated election law in his 2004 "Vote or Die" campaign. They are especially curious about the amount of tax-exempt funds spent on Hos, Bitches and fortys.

President Bush has ordered White House staff to attend mandatory briefings beginning next week on ethical behavior and the handling of classified material. And the following week FEMA will be holding their “what to do in the case of a major hurricane�? seminar. Robert Kahn and Vint Cerf, who developed the TCP/IP protocols used to transmit traffic across the Internet, received the Presidential Medal of Freedom, this week. In their acceptance speech they claimed to have never heard of Al Gore. Leaders of the Roman Catholic church in Poland have met in Krakow considering evidence for the beatification of the late Pope John Paul II. The first piece to be examined is luncheon meat that has an image of Virgin Mary milking a goat with the former Pope off to the side. Sacramento Police warned an organization called “Breasts not Bombs�? that if they were to march topless in the states capitol they would be arrested. In response Governor Schwarzenegger plans on scheduling a special election to encourage more topless protests in the capitol. Sacramento Police warned an organization called “Breasts not Bombs�? that if they were to march topless in the states capitol they would be arrested. In response Governor Schwarzenegger has offered they protestors a private audience in his office. Saying, “Yah but just the cute ones no fatties.�? One year before the 2006-midterm elections, Republicans are facing the most adverse political conditions of the 11 years since they vaulted to power in Congress in 1994. Early indications are that voter unrest has been caused by how much shit they’ve fucked up. After a contentious meeting in Argentina with other leaders of the Americas, to forge a free trade agreement, George Bush has managed the nearly impossible task of single-handedly bringing back communism. President Bush accused Hugo Chavez of, “playing to fear, pitting neighbor against neighbor, and blaming others for their own failures to provide for their people." And then he threatened to sue him for copyright infringement. President Bush met up with, Virginia’s Republican gubernatorial candidate, Jerry Kilgore just ten hours before polls were set to open this Tuesday. At the rally of 20,000 Kilgore could no longer hide but that he was kind of tired and maybe everybody would just rather go home. Five U.S. soldiers with the 75th Ranger Regiment in Iraq have been charged with abusing three detainees as they were preparing to transfer them to a prison in September. Bringing to 178 total number of low-level enlisted men who have randomly committed acts of brutality with no knowledge of their superior officers. Australian police say they have foiled a terrorist attack in the final stages of its preparation, after 16 people were arrested in Sydney and Melbourne. They have also gone to the unprecedented length of charging them with crimes and planning to have trials. Burma's military junta has confirmed that it has begun moving parts of the government to a new jungle location. Some outside political observers believe it may be for strategic reasons but most believe it’s because they are completely off their nut. The US and China have signed a deal to resolve their long-running trade dispute over Chinese textile exports. As a result it will no longer be legal for Chinese manufacturers to sew tags into underwear that rip chunks of flesh out of your lower back. Another defense lawyer in the Saddam Hussein trial has been murdered in Baghdad. It remains unclear if he was killed because he was a lawyer, because he was Saddam Hussein's lawyer, or because he was a filthy infidel. Correction: We here at Big News reported recently that former speaker of the house Tom Delay was a moron. We have since learned that he has only slightly less than average intelligence but we stand by our claim that he is a douche- nozzle. The US defense department has issued new instructions prohibiting physical or mental torture of prisoners. Unless you totally know they’re guilty and just won’t talk. Diane Sawyer asked Jennifer Aniston this week what advice she has for other girls getting over heartbreak. Jennifer suggested a cozy little $3.7 million house in Malibu, weekly $2.5 million residual checks, and a 12-inch variable speed vibrator with pulse control and a rotating head. Showdowns over gay rights dominated the ballot Tuesday in Texas and Maine. Maine voters are set to decide on whether to extend full rights to domestic partners while Texas is deciding whether to make “Gay-bashing�? an officially sanctioned rodeo event.

A statement by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad last week that “Israel should be wiped off the map�? has caused outrage among foreign diplomats to which the Iranian President responded. Mahmoud: I think that people misunderstood what I was saying I did not mean to infer that we would change the geographic territory of Israel or go into peoples homes and change their maps or globes. I just meant that we should kill all the Jews and return Palestine to the Arabic people.

The United States has invited UN officials to tour Guantanamo Bay detention facility three years after the world body requested to visit. Army officials say they didn’t want to entertain until the pool, sauna and handball court were completed.

Congress has launched an investigation into the $236-million deal to lease three ships from Carnival Cruise Lines to house victims of Hurricane Katrina. Amongst the disputed charges- $48 million for berths that were not occupied, $2 million for Julie McCoy’s shuffleboard tournament, and $78,000 for an appearance by the “Golden Girls."

Former Washington DC Mayor Marion Barry who was charged in 1988 with possession of crack cocaine has been charged earlier this week with two counts of tax evasion. This means Mr. Barry has until March of 2006 to engage in underage sex to be eligible for the douche-bag trifecta.

Polls show Democrat Timothy M. Kaine has taken a narrow lead in Virginia’s governor’s race, his opponent Republican Jerry Kilgore has sought to define Kaine as a liberal who is out of touch with the state’s conservative soul. Virginia residents say they could give two shits about anyone’s soul they just want the trash picked up time.

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist and Nebraska’s Republican Senator Chuck Hagel have started a campaign to make illegal immigration a top issue for their respective reelection bids in 2008. And vow to bring tough legislation to the floor by February 2006. So for those of you scoring at home Mexican is the new Gay, you heard it here first.

Voters in Zanzibar are going to the polls to elect a new president and parliament. While back in Los Angeles 9 out of 10 high school seniors identified Zanzibar as Halloween candy.

This Sunday marked the 31st anniversary of the “Rumble in the Jungle�? which pitted Muhammad Ali against the Heavyweight champion, George Foreman. It was in the prefight press conference that Ali prophetically declared, “I’m gonna hit him so hard that he’d rather manufacture small kitchen appliances."

With the White House reeling from recent scandals President Bush is on the hot seat to come up with a replacement for Harriet Miers as a Supreme Court Justice nominee. Staff at the Camp David retreat where Bush is spending the weekend say he has narrowed the choices to: His fifth grade math teacher, Jack Daniels and Johnny Walker.

The New York Times on the Web has won three awards from the Online News Association. Sadly, one of those was for Judith Miller’s Iraq coverage in the run up to the war, for best fiction.

The Minutemen have moved north. The border patrol group that was founded to halt illegal immigration and made headlines this summer in Texas and Arizona is now staking out the Vermont/ Canada border. The group’s leader Jeffery Buck said, “It’s not a racial thing we are opposed to all illegal immigration we don’t want stinky Canadians coming in here and taking all our gardening and dishwashing jobs and opening up Taco stands either."

In just two days Senator Harry Reid has promised a fight if Samuel Alito is nominated to Supreme Court and demanded that Karl Rove and Dick Cheney resign. Meaning that the Democrats have replaced the sound of one hand clapping with the sound of one tiny testicle descending.

Karen Koenig a former East German swimmer is suing the National Olympic Committee for giving her steroids from the age of 12. She claims the drug exposure has caused clinical depression and health complications, though she rather likes the beard and penis.

In telecom news SBC has completed the purchase of AT&T wireless leaving only one of the “baby Bells" left for a possible merger. However, BellSouth has stated that it is still hoping to marry a cousin.

A pastor was electrocuted during a baptism in Waco, Texas, after grabbing a microphone while partially submerged. Score one for Darwin.

Comedy Central has signed Carlos Mencia for 13 more episodes of “Mind of Mencia" Executive at the channel have said, “If after 13 more tries he’s still not funny, we’re gonna have to find another Hispanic guy."