Swamp Elective

January 10, 2003 And as the apostle Paul once said, “Wow it’s already 1 and I’m still writing 0 on all my checks. Clue number one that your policy in North Korea might suck: The South Koreans and the Chinese agree with each other that it sucks! Now I might need to watch a few more episodes of M*A*S*H but they don’t agree on much. St. Louis area parents who were upset that a male chaperone on a school field trip chose to dress as a woman. Quickly arranged for the class to witness a gay bashing and a dog fight so that their minds would not be polluted by perverts. Los Angeles’ 2003 death toll is already off and running. And the reason sighted by police officials for deaths numbers 1 and 2 were the old, “drug deal gone sour.�? We here at Big News feel it is our obligation to say; If you must have drug deals in 2003 try to keep them either Honey sweetened and or Minty fresh. In Wednesday’s paper GW tried to explain his elimination of taxes on dividends thusly: “If you reduce greens fees than people tip the caddy’s more! And caddy’s are poor people right? So reducing greens fees benefits the poor!�? January 17, 2003 Martin Luther Kings Birthday is observed on Monday but the actual date is January 15th. So in celebration President Bush introduced a policy to dismantle Affirmative Action. Being a compassionate conservative meant canceling the lynching and cross burnings that were previously scheduled. In related news the L A Times reported this week that the future of our crude oil supply may lie in Western Africa. To which Trent Lott opined, “It’s too bad we didn’t bring all those slaves over here on oil tankers!�? Hans Blix announced on Thursday that weapons inspectors had discovered warheads in Iraq. The inspector that found them an American by the name of M. Furman claims he also found, “a crack pipe, some child pornography, a bloody glove, rough drafts of a Linburg baby ransom note, and love letters from Lene Rifenschtal. Wednesday’s paper revealed that the military is dealing with some the difficult questions surrounding the war in Iraq namely: “Is it bad to get hopped up on speed and kill Canadians?�? January 30, 2003 Despite shepherding them through there worst financial year in a decade Disney CEO Michael Eisner received a $5 million bonus for his last years effort. Hello stockholders say good-by to furry animals’ hello fuzzy math. Saddam Huesien and Osama bin Laden have finally been linked. The CIA revealed today that they once dated the same woman… Lara Flynn Boyle. Her publicist, when reached for comment said, “I knew there must be some thing behind that dress she wore to the Golden Globes it’s all beginning to make sense now�? Polls taken after the state of the Union address on Tuesday show that most American still feel that the war against Iraq will be a grave mistake. They also don’t believe that this will effect the Presidents final decision any more than: Common sense, international Law, Common decency, morality, or any of the facts surrounding Iraq.