Swamp Elective

11.18.02 Donald Rumsfeld recently announced that the US Military might be having trouble finding Osama Bin Laden due to the fact he may have altered his appearance by shaving his beard or having plastic surgery. C’mon the guy is 6’3" tall and hooked to a kidney dialysis machine. Budget cuts in Rhode Island have reduced the number food inspectors as a result many restaurants will go up to 3 years between checks. Insiders are calling the new program Montezuma’s Roulette. Connecticut officials have come up with a quick response plan for bio-terrorism that includes colleges, hospitals, and community health clinics. There first step on college campuses is called "put down the bong" In Livingston Montana a high school basketball player was suspended for smoking. He is suing claiming the suspension, "damages his chances to win a college basketball scholarship" I don’t know he’s smoking and he’s in court if he can just beat some one up and get a girl pregnant he’s probably all ready for the NBA. A massive sinkhole in a restaurant’s parking lot has become something of a tourist attraction. Not to be out down Disneyworld is installing three huge craters in there parking lot that can be visited for $28 Or you can purchase a $35 season sinkhole pass that includes all the fun of the sinkhole and unlimited access to the field of empty refrigerator boxes. 11.22.02 The Los Angeles Times reported this week that the Japanese population is hooked on tobacco and is suffering cancer and heart disease at an alarming rate. The largest beneficiary is the Japanese government who owns 67% of the biggest Tobacco Company. According to opponents "the Japanese government cares more about money than people’s health." And they say it like that’s a bad thing. Is it my imagination or are our "wars" getting more vague the Korean War, the Vietnam War, at least we knew where to find them but the war on drugs the war on terrorism. I’m waiting for George Bush gets $40 Billion bill passed through the Senate for the "War on all the icky stuff in the Universe" Following the Presidents lead State Farm the nations leading insurance agency is now offering "Terror insurance" you will be covered for death or injury during any hijacking, or any exposure to Anthrax spores produced from 1998 to 2001 in the contiguous 48 states. But any injury outside an abortion clinic, registering voters or activities related to any known jihad, will not be covered, as those are "acts of God." Federal Judge Dennis W. Shedd a protégé of Senator Strom Thurman (R-SC) was approved for the appellate court. In an attempt to distance himself from his mentor Judge Shedd was quoted as saying " I think there’s a real good chance that the Holocaust might have taken place and also added that he knew some "good" Negroes too that had jobs and everything" 11.23.02 At the conclusion of this weeks NATO summit in Europe President Bush will now have; met with, signed treaties with, or dropped bombs on 9 of the 10 world leaders who he could not name just 2 short years ago. Say nothing else for the guy he sure can read them Cliffs’ notes. 11.27.02 Native Americans this week were angered by a decision by the Bush administration to place a geothermal power plant in the Medicine Lake area. The Native Americans claim that the plant would desecrate sacred land and that the low persistent ground hum produced by the turbines may disturb guests at the nearby 400 acre Drunkin’ Injun’ Jackpot Casino. 11.28.02 Henry Kissinger this week was assigned the task of investigating the events leading up the 9/11 terrorist attacks. In accepting the post Mr. Kissinger demonstrated a willingness to ferret out the truth at any cost saying " We will follow this investigation were ever it leads even if that means telling the American people why we had to kill Kennedy" and somehow that makes me trust him. The dean of UC Berkeley’s Boalt Hall, one of the nation’s top law schools is resigning amid allegations of sexual harassment. The female student though not a student in his classroom and he had a "consensual" encounter two years ago. John P. Dwyer received harsh criticism from the administration and high fives from his closest colleagues.