Swamp Elective

After the flurry of voting on Tuesday and the resulting delegate counts Americans discovered that the campaign for President may rest with Guam and American Samoa.

Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, who introduced the western world to transcendental meditation, died on Tuesday. He was most famous for being guru to the Beatles though followers prefer to think of him as "the Indian dude who banged Mia Farrow."

Hundreds of clowns gathered in a London church for an annual service honoring the founder of modern clowning. Observers said the service wasn’t very funny. It was in fact, "Rather creepy and scared the children."

French President Nicolas Sarkozy married former model Carla Bruni on Saturday. French citizens are worried the marriage will be a distraction, as the President will now have difficulty finding a mistress who is hotter than his wife. 

In an interview with Newsweek magazine, Paris Hilton says that she "wants to leave her mark on the world". This obviously means that in the coming months she will be releasing a children’s book, new fragrance or video game of her life.

Civil rights activist Al Sharpton says Congress should expand hate crime laws to deal more forcefully with noose-hanging incidents like the one in the Jena Six case. A House representative responded “We expect little movement on the proposal due to the fact that more Americans are worried that such a measure would mean Sharpton and Jesse Jackson would have to get real jobs.”

Verizon Communications, told congressional investigators that it has provided customers’ telephone records to federal authorities in emergency cases without court orders hundreds of times since 2005. According to transcripts the emergency most commonly sighted was; “because Dick Chenney said so”.

The makers of Coors and Miller Lite have announced their plan to merge in order to better compete against industry leader Anheuser-Busch. The companies will use cooperative marketing and distribution methods but have ruled out making descent beer as a strategy.

On Tuesday a 6-year-old boy was hungry and decided he’d go to Applebees. So he grabbed the car keys, took his booster seat from the back seat of his grandmother’s car and placed it in the driver’s seat, then made a go of driving himself to the restaurant. Proving definitively that the chili-cheese curly fries are truly addictive.

Singer Bobby Brown suffered a heart attack in Los Angeles this week that doctors have attributed to diet and exercise. While his diet of fast food and crack cocaine has been unchanged for years, he no longer has access to his favorite exercise; bitch slapping Whitney Houston. 

A new study found that the widely used chemotherapy drug Taxol does not work for the most common form of breast cancer. Research also revealed that 90% of male doctors still find the standard breast self-exam really hot.

A rise in low birth-weight babies born in the New York area following 9/11 is blamed on the stress of the attacks. In retaliation the U.S. plans to bomb Iraqi baby food factories.

Recently retired Lt. General Ricardo Sanchez, who commanded Army forces in Iraq, called the war “A nightmare with no end” and a “catastrophic failure” due to the White House’s policies. No word at this time on why he hates the troops.

Key members of Congress vowed Friday to "aggressively preserve" the independence of the CIA’s internal investigator and to put an end to the agency’s probe of its own inspector general. Outsiders fear that the government bureaucracy will disappear up its own asshole some time before Thanksgiving break.

Iraqi officials are pushing to have several Blackwater employees, involved in a shooting incident, tried in Iraqi courts. The State Department worries that the military contractors might get “railroaded like we did to Saddam Hussien.”

A judge ordered that Britney Spears relinquish custody of her two children to their father Kevin Federline. K-Fed just edged out the judges second choice; being raised by a pack of wolves.

Police have arrested a woman who allegedly snorted cocaine off her infant’s stomach while breastfeeding him. In her defense the woman said she was distraught after losing custody of her children, to Kevin Federline.

In South Africa 2700 men were rescued from a mile below ground after a gold mine accident. Inching South Africa just ahead of Utah and Satan’s fecal caverns in mine safety.

The number of young children on prescription drugs for heartburn has jumped about 56% in recent years. Experts blame the increase on obesity rates, over-prescribing, and Flinstone’s chewable jalapeño antidepressants.

This week marked the 50th anniversary of Russia’s launch of the sputnik satellite and the beginning of the space age. Many observers were nostalgic for the competitiveness of the Cold War and an era when we only worried about fascism from external sources.

President Bush, breaking his rule not to talk about presidential politics, says that Hillary Clinton will be defeated in the general election by the Republican nominee. He also believes that the Republican nominee will name him as a foreign policy advisor and that they will ride a golden unicorn to the inauguration.

The last remaining copy of the original Magna Carta will go on sale this week. The auction house handing the sale hopes the document will fetch at least as much as the Bush Administration’s on-going sale of the U.S. Constitution.

The White House accidentally released a draft of a President Bush’s speech for the UN that contained phonetic spellings of leaders names and places. The draft also requested that in Laura’s absence someone cut the presidents meat into little pieces for him.

A new study suggests the proliferation of iPods helps account for the nationwide rise in violent crime in 2005 and 2006.

In Indiana, a lab technician was fired after she allegedly bit a patient while drawing his blood. The hospital apologized and said that; they will no longer hire the undead in the hematology lab. (They’re still really good in the morgue.)

Nike on Tuesday unveiled Air Native, the first shoe designed specifically for American Indians. The shoes get comfortable right away then give you alcohol and steal all your land.

Two Democratic senators are seeking White House files in exchange for confirming Michael B. Mukasey as attorney general. If history is any indication they will not get any files but they will instead have their lunch money stolen again tomorrow.

The GOP Youtube debate has been rescheduled for November 28th so far the submissions give Republicans nothing to fear outside of the very real chance that Mike Gravel may get upset and shoot at the “evil magic talking picture box”. 

The former CBS anchor Walter Cronkite is about to sign with, Retirement Living TV, a start-up channel aimed at people over the age of 55. His broadcasts will start on Monday and be watched by 5 times as many people as Katie Couric.

Worried that failure to participate in debates designed to address minority issues was injuring the Republican Party with blacks the GOP made the only logical step, recruiting Alan Keyes to run for President.

Last week, Reverend Jesse Jackson accused Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama of, quote, "acting like he’s white". In his defense Obama said that Jesse thinks that of any black man who does talk in rhyme.

A new poll shows that only 11% of the American public approve of the job Congress is doing. The poll also notes that an astounding 23% would rather get their genitals caught in a bear trap than reelect their current representative.

US scientists have shown a man’s testicles might be a source of stem cells to help him fight serious diseases. The research now enters a difficult phase, which involves collecting enough samples before the test subjects go blind. 

The U.S. military has introduced "religious enlightenment" and other education programs for Iraqi detainees, some of whom are as young as 11. The Catholic priest who initiated the program calls it; “Hand-jobs for Jesus” 

Myanmar’s military junta came under growing international pressure due to protests led by Buddhist monks. Most Americans interest, however, only extends to their ability to continue getting a dozen socks for two dollars.

With Rudy Giuliani and Hillary Clinton leading the presidential pack, anticipation is growing that they could face off for the White House in 2008. After a recent ad by Giuliani attacking Clinton the former first lady replied, “At least all of the people I’ve ever married and my daughter will be voting for me.”

An MIT student wearing what turned out to be a fake bomb was arrested at gunpoint Friday at Logan International Airport and later claimed it was artwork. The police were initially thrown off by the fact that the bomb didn’t look like a cartoon character giving the finger.

Just moments after President Bush announced that “Mendela is dead” he clarified that he was not speaking of Nelson Mendela himself, but of the thousands of political prisoners held by Saddam Hussien who had been liberated and subsequently killed by US forces.

This week the U.S. dollar sank to an all time low. And as usual sought solace by burying it’s face in a strippers g-string.