Swamp Elective

I’ve been telling people that I have supported Senator Obama since the Democratic convention that nominated John Kerry in 2003. And I came across this piece I performed as the special guest for "Big News" during the week of the Democratic National Convention in Boston ‘04.

    Since the Democratic National Convention has convened in Boston it has fallen to me as an ex-Bostonian to share some insights into that fair city. So here is my “Wicked Pissah Portrait of Boston”

    First, what many people don’t realize is that Boston proper is really tiny it’s only 2 miles square. (Map of Boston) And what neighborhood you are from means everything. Brookline is the Jewish neighborhood, Roxbury is the black neighborhood, and Allston-Brighton is Vietnamese immigrants. And my people, shanty Irish trash are sprinkled liberally, throughout. Probably the most famous area is Beacon Hill; it is the neighborhood of rich WASP’s. I swear, there were people that jumped off the Mayflower in Plymouth, walked the 40 miles to Boston, pausing only briefly in Salem to burn a witch, and then took up residence on Beacon Hill. And their families are still there, walking around up there you fully expect to run into some dude with big black hat with a buckle on the front.

TV has probably shown 400 shots of “Old Iron Sides” at the Charlestown navy shipyard. Oldest commissioned vessel in the US Navy 4 masted schooner, blah, blah, blah. Right beyond that is the neighborhood depicted to a T in “Mystic River”, that is Boston, history collides with the oblivious. 

And the city is very old school by modern convention standards by that I mean the hookers are ugly, definitely not to be viewed at close range. Boston is no New Orleans or Las Vegas. So I won’t expect the convention to come back in the future. (Nasty Whore?)
And when the delegates step out for dinner they will be faced with dizzying array of choices Italian, Chinese or Seafood. In Boston-world anything south of Russia is Chinese. Vietnamese Korean, Loasian, Thai doesn’t matter, the sign out front will say Chinese restaurant. Its like they don’t want to disturb the xenophobia. When I left there was one Mexican restaurant and one sushi joint. And the pizza is the worst in the world people debate Chicago New York where in New York if any one mentions Boston beat them to death with one of their own limbs. It is the worst. For some reason most pizza joints are Greek and the Greeks got the idea that the mozzarella was not oily enough so they sprinkle olive oil on the top of the pie.

Second, the alpha and omega of all that is Boston and Bostonian is John F. Kennedy. When I was growing up JFK had equal billing with Jesus. Houses displayed the holy trinity, which was a crucifix with a picture of Jesus on one side and a picture of Kennedy on the other. The progressive or feminist families had the Virgin Mary holding the baby Jesus on one side and a picture of JFK with Jackie on the other and the full blown liberals had a picture of Martin Luther King somewhere in the mix. But you didn’t have to cross yourself in front of that one because he wasn’t Catholic.
Kennedy’s grandfather John “Honey Fitz” Fitzgerald was mayor of Boston for a fifty years. And nearly invented machine politics. He also made the deal with the devil, which said your family will be rich, powerful and never get arrested but occasionally they’ll get shot in the head.
Now I don’t care what you think about Bill Clinton and I don’t count myself as a big fan, his speech on opening night was great. When Clinton started out he did a great thing he said don’t compare Kerry to Kennedy (Cause we all know that’s a sucker bet) compare him John Adams. The original black hole of charisma, a brilliant, mean troll of a man best known for antagonizing Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin. It’s also a great strategy because Bush won’t know who he is so he’ll have the element of surprise. Clinton, in the end, took a page out of Ted Williams’ book, and in his last at bat for the Dems’ he ripped a home run into the right field bleachers.
Night two: Barack Obama, complete rock star by the time he was done everyone was ready to let him lead the party for next dozen years or so well everyone but Jesse Jackson,
One word you won’t hear in Boston this week is “bussing” or “school desegregation” because frankly it was ugly. When I was growing up we knew it was back to school time because the nightly news started showing school busses, surrounded by white kids, being pelted with rocks.    
You also won’t be hearing anything from this man. (Picture of Michael Dukakis) *Ken it would be great if we could photo-shop this into a milk carton “missing” look. And by we I mean you.

It occurs to me that with two United States Senators running for President that one of them will be returning to the Senate in January, or so. (Duh, right?) It also seems that they both have touted their ability to “reach across the aisle.” Only in the last month senator McCain’s scorched earth- Karl Rove was a pussy- leave no racist extremist unturned campaign might make it hard for his colleagues to see their way clear to working with him in the future. I’m picturing it now- The McCain-Lieberman “Hey we were just kidding somebody talk to us” bill of 2009. Mark my words.

This year’s presidential race will again be decided by voters in Ohio and Florida. This could make for a long night of return watching on November 3rd but only if they decide to count the actual votes cast.

Alaska’s republican Senator Ted Stevens bribery trial began on Thursday. Defense attorneys moved to suspend the trial so the Senator could appear on Capitol Hill looking like he cares about the current financial crisis.

A man in New York died from a fall that resulted from a tasering by police. New Yorkers were enraged when they found out the man was not David Blaine.

On Thursday Sarah Palin announced that she too was suspending all campaign activities. Media officials were baffled as to how they would be able to tell.
Thailand’s prime minister declared a state of emergency in the capital Tuesday after thousands of his opponents and supporters clashed in the worst street violence here in more than a decade. Sensitive Los Angelino’s are once again wondering how this will affect their Pad Thai deliveries.

The French Broadcasting Authority has banned TV networks from airing shows aimed at children under 3 years old, saying it wanted to protect them from the ‘developmental risks’. Network officials say they are sure to come up with a new show for "Antoine the angry smoking mime" by this fall.

My mother can officially be proud of me since I have been mentioned in “The New Yorker.”  For my entire life my mother has religiously read “The New Yorker” and in some ways I think she lives a parallel life as a New York sophisticate through staying informed about the city. 
I now live in Manhattan and got here by driving across the country through Texas and up the east coast. I’m planning on posting more frequently as I get settled and figure out what I want to be when I grow up. So I figured I might doodle some of my travel observations in the future.

According to experts, sending nude photos over cell phone cameras has become normal courtship behavior in teenage dating circles. Enter teen texting "Do you like me? Yes or No check box. (points phone into pants/up skirt takes snap) love Scooter.

A memorabilia collector purchased a sex film for one and a half million dollars which features Marilyn Monroe performing oral sex on a man rumored to be John F. Kennedy. Those who have viewed the footage say it’s like the Zapruder film only in this one the President gets head.

A memorabilia collector purchased a sex film for one and a half million dollars which features Marilyn Monroe performing oral sex on a man rumored to be John F. Kennedy. The man’s identity points toward Kennedy because you can see a back brace, secret service men and that he’s all head and no stem.

A memorabilia collector purchased a sex film for one and a half million dollars which features Marilyn Monroe performing oral sex on a man rumored to be John F. Kennedy. The rumors were, of course, started by a CIA agent hiding in Monroe’s grassy knoll.

A memorabilia collector purchased a sex film for one and a half million dollars which features Marilyn Monroe performing oral sex on a man rumored to be John F. Kennedy. Those who have seen the film suspect it is Kennedy because you can clearly see Robert Kennedy waiting to be next.

A new study shows that women who consume one or two alcoholic drinks a day have a higher risk of developing breast cancer. Thus proving an earlier theory that women with breast cancer have more fun.

or: A new study shows that women who consume one or two alcoholic drinks a day have a higher risk of developing breast cancer. It further concludes that the risk is immediately lowered if they have a third drink then blow me.

Frustrated by an internal dispute over seniority, US Airways pilots on Thursday ousted their union of 59 years and agreed to be represented by another group. No word yet on how Major League baseball Players association plans to proceed with negotiations but there will be no steroid testing in the near future for pilots.

About 300,000 U.S. troops returning from Iraq and Afghanistan suffer symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder or depression, but about half receive no care. Said a spokesman: “Turns out being under threat of dying 24/7, not knowing what your mission requires, and having to kill other human beings on a regular basis is not good for the ol’ brain pan…hmm good to know.”

Researchers have developed a new device that will help doctors and parents decide on whether or not they continue the treatment of an extremely premature infant. Right to life proponents have dubbed the device the Harrodometer.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said on Thursday she would press Iraq’s Arab neighbors hard next week to do more to support Baghdad’s government and shield it from Iran’s "nefarious influences." Said one Iraqi parliament member, “Yeah, be influenced by the United States instead it’s working out so good for us.”

A new study shows that one third of all American’s believe that Pope Benedict’s apologies for catholic priest’s abuse were sincere while two thirds believe that Pope Benedict is an egg dish with hollandaise sauce.

On Thursday Pope Benedict had a surprise visit with victims of priest’s sexual abuse according to a spokesman the pontiff learned many things, foremost amongst them: Abuse victims are not real keen on surprises.

Joe Lieberman said, last week, that “of the three presidential candidates John McCain was the most like John F. Kennedy.” Lieberman explained, “They were both in the Navy and both named John and Senator McCain thinks like a man who’s been shot in the head.”

The U.S. Department of Agriculture is treating nearly eighty thousand trees in New Jersey and New York to prevent a deadly beetle invasion. The chemical treatment became the last option after exposing the trees to Yoko Ono albums failed.

While speaking in Philadelphia Hillary Clinton likened herself to Rocky Balboa saying she is not a quitter. Observers also noted that she’s too old, kind of mealy mouthed, and doesn’t know when to stop trying to make shitty sequels.

A group of third-graders in Georgia plotted to attack their teacher using duct tape, mittens, ribbons, a paperweight and a broken steak knife. This is not the first threat faced by the teacher as she is a known poopy-face meany.

A fire engulfed a house in rural Pennsylvania early Thursday, state police said, killing as many as 10 people and forcing one of the survivors to jump naked from the second floor. Pennsylvania residents were warned that if Bill Clinton drops by to campaign “DO NOT MENTION BILL RICHARDSON!”

Inspectors at the Port of Long Beach found no traces of chemicals on a cargo container that came into port marked with graffiti saying "Anthrax a gift from Osama". Police were then shocked that a container that had "weird Arabic looking scribbling on it blew up."

Or: Inspectors at the Port of Long Beach found no traces of chemicals on a cargo container that came into port marked with graffiti saying "Anthrax a gift from Osama". But it did correspond with the Presidential daily briefing that said, "Osama determined to graffiti containers in Long Beach."

MySpace announced on Thursday that it was launching a music site said a spokesman, (Gregg enters as record exec type) “We’ve done a little research and it turns out that crappy derivative pop songs riddled with teenage angst and jangley guitars is not getting the exposure it once did sooooo… we figured there was a couple of bucks to be made there.”