Swamp Elective

For years I have had an ongoing tussle with the name “Mixologist” It is a term that attempts to “legitimize” and glorify bartenders. American bartenders since prohibition, when cocktails were popularized, have mixed together various alcohols, juices, fruits, and sodas to create drinks. That’s the job. But now some folks in the profession wish to separate themselves from the college kid who made gin and tonics and opened beers at the country club when he was in college and show that they are more professional. I get that but I bristle at the overly precious nature of the term “Mixologist”
So when people ask “Are you a mixologist” my patented reply is “ I think mixologists are people who have degrees in Philosophy and English from Ivy League schools and are afraid to tell their mothers how they make so much money. I prefer booze chef” So I laid that line on a reporter from The London Telegraph and he got a big laugh out of it but he was there doing an interview with Eben Freeman (one of the big movers in the renaissance of drinking) and I doubt the quote will be attributed to me so I’m going on the record as the guy who said it.

Americans are children when it comes to guns. They want loud dangerous toys to make themselves feel important or omnipotent but they get all rattled when the inevitable unstable member of society randomly uses one. Every day 60 people are killed in the United States with hand guns. And weeks, months and years pass by with out anyone blinking. Then seemingly out of nowhere a congressman a judge and a little girl get plugged and then it becomes “How could this happen” day.
Compared to the rest of the world America has somewhere between a shit-load and an imperial shit-load of guns. The idea that only bad guys are going to get shot is beyond wishful thinking.

“Great minds think alike” well, the bottom-feeding turd-merchants of reality TV seem to possess the same psychic ability so say you heard it here first. I propose a TeeVee show with the Tiger Woods mistress versus the Jesse James mistresses. It could be a Family Wrecker Feud or the full-on hosted by Howard Stern beauty pageant mockery but I’m thinking we need to stay away from any wrestling-type events as it appears that Jesse James’ crew leans toward the hair pulling eye gouging roller-derby type. Best ratings getter would be an Oprah-off (confessional crying and hand wringing) with American Idol style voting based on sympathy. And since the sympathy depends on the suspension of disbelief associated with “I slept with a married man and I’m a victim” Monica Lewinsky should be on hand to assign point values or betting lines for viewers. There you have it have a three page treatment on my desk by Monday.

After the flurry of voting on Tuesday and the resulting delegate counts Americans discovered that the campaign for President may rest with Guam and American Samoa.

Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, who introduced the western world to transcendental meditation, died on Tuesday. He was most famous for being guru to the Beatles though followers prefer to think of him as "the Indian dude who banged Mia Farrow."

Hundreds of clowns gathered in a London church for an annual service honoring the founder of modern clowning. Observers said the service wasn’t very funny. It was in fact, "Rather creepy and scared the children."

French President Nicolas Sarkozy married former model Carla Bruni on Saturday. French citizens are worried the marriage will be a distraction, as the President will now have difficulty finding a mistress who is hotter than his wife. 

In an interview with Newsweek magazine, Paris Hilton says that she "wants to leave her mark on the world". This obviously means that in the coming months she will be releasing a children’s book, new fragrance or video game of her life.

Civil rights activist Al Sharpton says Congress should expand hate crime laws to deal more forcefully with noose-hanging incidents like the one in the Jena Six case. A House representative responded “We expect little movement on the proposal due to the fact that more Americans are worried that such a measure would mean Sharpton and Jesse Jackson would have to get real jobs.”

Verizon Communications, told congressional investigators that it has provided customers’ telephone records to federal authorities in emergency cases without court orders hundreds of times since 2005. According to transcripts the emergency most commonly sighted was; “because Dick Chenney said so”.

The makers of Coors and Miller Lite have announced their plan to merge in order to better compete against industry leader Anheuser-Busch. The companies will use cooperative marketing and distribution methods but have ruled out making descent beer as a strategy.

On Tuesday a 6-year-old boy was hungry and decided he’d go to Applebees. So he grabbed the car keys, took his booster seat from the back seat of his grandmother’s car and placed it in the driver’s seat, then made a go of driving himself to the restaurant. Proving definitively that the chili-cheese curly fries are truly addictive.

Singer Bobby Brown suffered a heart attack in Los Angeles this week that doctors have attributed to diet and exercise. While his diet of fast food and crack cocaine has been unchanged for years, he no longer has access to his favorite exercise; bitch slapping Whitney Houston. 

A new study found that the widely used chemotherapy drug Taxol does not work for the most common form of breast cancer. Research also revealed that 90% of male doctors still find the standard breast self-exam really hot.

A rise in low birth-weight babies born in the New York area following 9/11 is blamed on the stress of the attacks. In retaliation the U.S. plans to bomb Iraqi baby food factories.

Recently retired Lt. General Ricardo Sanchez, who commanded Army forces in Iraq, called the war “A nightmare with no end” and a “catastrophic failure” due to the White House’s policies. No word at this time on why he hates the troops.

Key members of Congress vowed Friday to "aggressively preserve" the independence of the CIA’s internal investigator and to put an end to the agency’s probe of its own inspector general. Outsiders fear that the government bureaucracy will disappear up its own asshole some time before Thanksgiving break.

I had my hemerhoids removed on Monday and celebrated with my friends so it looked a little like this.

My anus is bleeding…

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